


Don't you know who I think I am

by Napping



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bonding, Fluff, Hurt Tony Stark, Kid Fic, M/M, Parent Tony Stark, Superfamily, recovering, uncle Bucky
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2019-08-27 07:40:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16698226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Napping/pseuds/Napping
Summary: Tony laughed. Then he starred at the Blond’s serious face. Then he laughed some more.Tall Blond didn’t even move a corner of his mouth, just looking at Tony as if nothing on earth could be less funny.”Yeah, yeah sure. You know how many woman have come to me and said I was the father of their child, Dear? I have to admit you’re the first guy who tries it, but sure, I guess. I’ll tell you the same thing as I tell them; my lawyer will contact you.””He’s your son.”He sounded so serious. Tony forgot for a second that he had been there before. Forgot for a second that he had literally no clue what the hell was going on.All that was in his head was the face of this excited child, calling him Daddy as if he had done so his whole life. But this couldn’t be.”Pardon, my what?” Tony answered, pulling his eyebrows up.Or:The one in which Tony suffers from Amnesia, forgetting that he is now the polar opposite of who he used to be. He wasn't partying every night anymore, going home with anyone but never the same person twice -- he was married, now. And also apparently had a child. Great.





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

 

Tony didn’t think he’d ever experience it, but now that he had, he could solemnly say that waking up from a coma sucked. You don’t open your eyes, see the sun light and then just look to your right and see your loved ones all on plastic chairs and then ask 'What happened?'. 

Well, not in Tony’s case anyway. 

He woke up and was certain he just blacked out due to alcohol and was woken up by something a few hours later. His head was spinning and was all but roaring. He lay on a bed but it was definitely not his, it was way too small and uncomfortable. 

Tony tried to open his eyes and immediately gave up, finding them sticking together and not a drop of strength in him to fight it. 

His next attempt had been to turn his head and try to listen, see if anyone was still here, or if whoever he went home with had left him alone.  

Tony tried to turn his head slightly, worsening the ache in it and then tried to take a sharp breath, but his chest felt heavy, as if there was a weight on him that he couldn’t shake. 

He choked on his next breath, feeling sharp pain all over, burning through his veins and then just double in intensity once it reached his head. 

”Fuck,” he grounded out, regretting it immediately. Yeah, he shouldn’t talk before drinking something first.  _Jesus_ , he couldn’t remember the last time he had been in so much pain; maybe never. 

”Haha,” giggled a  _child_  from his chest, ”Daddy that’s a no-no word.”

And now well, that was a motivation to all but rip his eyes open, clenching them together again instantly when the sun light hit him. 

All he saw before he closed his eyes again, though, was a yellowed celling and the figure of a  _child_ , right there on his torso. 

Tony coughed a few times, trying to find an explanation. Trying to remember if he had seen a ring on the girl’s hand, he went home with or if he had seen anything that had pointed at her having a child. 

He came up empty. Not only ring and child wise, but completely. He couldn’t recall if he had even gone home with anyone. The last thing he could remember was Rhodey picking him up the morning after a party. But he wasn’t at Rhodey’s either, that much he was sure of. And Rhodey also didn’t have a child, or he had a lot of explaining to do. 

”Daddy!” 

Tony pulled his shoulders up and tried to cringe away from the sound of the child on his chest, who immediately began to  _pounce on his chest._  

He readied himself, suppressing another cough that would only make his throat burn like hell, and attempted to open his eyes again, blinking through the white lines that crossed his sight and then settled his gaze on the child. 

It was a boy. Maybe 4 or 5, Tony honestly couldn’t tell. He had curly brown hair and brown eyes and was grinning down at Tony excitedly, little white teeth slightly crooked and having something that looked like a piece of a chocolate muffin stuck between them.

Tony screwed his nose up and tried to lift his arms to get that boy off him but couldn’t even raise his arms a centimetre without groaning in pain. 

”Look, Daddy! I drew a doggy on your arm!” 

Tony just wanted to rub his temples and go back to sleep, getting the kid of his one night stand out of his hair. 

”You don’t even look!” 

Tony looked up at him again, seeing him pouting and pointing to Tony’s arm, which true enough was in a cast, which spotted a crooked little dog, with big ears and uneven legs. 

”Amazing,” Tony coughed and turned his head slightly to see if he could spot the parents of the boy. The parents or  _anybody_  who could take him away, because, Jesus, Tony was awake for 5 minutes and he really didn’t need that right now. He wanted something to drink and then sleep and maybe even find his one night stand again and see if she was up for another round. 

He just came to a stop though, when he realized that he wasn’t in some apartment. He was in a hospital, with yellowed ceiling, heart monitor and pictures of bouquets on the walls and everything. 

Next to the door was a warning about the importance of flu shots and beneath it was a white banner that read  _Your crisis is important to God, whatever your struggle or setback it is intended by God to empower and purify you._  

Tony scoffed, rolling his eyes and looking back at the child, who was looking what Tony had huffed about, one curl of hair falling in front of his eyes.

The child shook his head and put the strand behind his ear and then yawned wide mouthed. 

Tony sighed and snipped to get the boy’s attention, who to his credit turned around in an instance and then smiled again, as if seeing Tony was something great and exciting. 

”Daddy?” He said again and Tony really didn’t need to hear a kid call him that. He was many things and admittedly 'Asshole' also made it on the list, but 'Father' didn’t. He had been careful, at least when it came to that. 

Before he could tell that to the kid, though, the door opened and a tall blonde man came in, eyes tired with dark circles around them, but a smile so bright on his lips that Tony was about to close his eyes again. 

He had the same little dimples as the boy, Tony realized, just a bit deeper. He also had the same excited expression, which didn’t have to be genetic but was still freaking Tony out. 

Who the  _fuck_  was this dude?

”Papa!” The boy exclaimed and began to pounce again to which Tony startled out a cough again, before raising his head quickly, reliefflooding his chest.  _Papa_. He was the boy’s father. He could take him away and finally give Tony the silence he graved ever since waking up. ”Daddy is awake! Look, he woke up!”

Yeah, no. 

Tony was back to being confused. 

”Peter!” The blonde tall guy exclaimed, making Tony cringe. ”Get off his chest.”

Tall Blonde crossed the room in four heavy steps and then lifted the child —  _Peter —_ off his chest and Tony could finally take the deep breath he had needed so desperately. 

”Thanks,” Tony nodded and then coughed again, to which Tall Blonde smiled at him again and then settled the boy on his hip before giving Tony an ice chip. 

”You could’ve thought that we had taught him enough times to not climb on things, especially furniture and people,” the guy laughed deeply and then just stared at Tony as if he was something  _precious_. As if he just did something amazing and deserved pride for it. 

But hold on. 

”We?” Tony asked, sucking greedy on his chip. ”I have taught this boy literally nothing, handsome.”

Tall Blonde’s smile dimmed like a damn energy saving bulb and Tony really couldn’t figure out  _what the hell_  his damn issue was. Before he could even answer, though, did the boy chime in, putting his chin on the man’s shoulder and then pointing at Tony with a strangely familiar smug expression. 

”Daddy said a bad lang- language word when he woke up!” 

The kid pulled his bright eyebrows together and looked for a second like the exact mini-version of the man carrying him, who also wore the same expression, but then his little face eased into a little giggle and then another yawn.

Tall Blonde didn’t laugh, though. His expression was still on low power mode, looking serious and about 5 years older than he had when he had first entered the room. 

”Tony, what do you mean?” He asked, voice slow and calculated as if he was trying to keep himself from reacting poorly. The kid seemed to get this too, because he just stared questionably at his father now, little pout on his face.

He had called him Tony. That meant he knew him, which, yeah, would explain a lot that was going on here, but still didn’t help the problem. Because he had no  _idea_  who Tall Blonde and Little Curl were and he didn’t know if he even wanted to know. 

”Where do you know me from?” Tony asked suspiciously, looking around the room for a panic button, finding one on his right side, out of reach. 

”You are kidding, right? Tony, we talked about this. Humor has a line that it shouldn’t cross. This is not funny.”

Yeah, it was not funny indeed. He wasn’t here to joke, he just wanted to know what the hell was going on. 

”Listen, dear, I have no idea what you want from me,” Tony bit out, trying to not feel threatened but failing. He was in some hospital, obviously injured and there was no one but a man and a kid. He tried to swallow his panic down, trying to tell himself that he was unreasonable, there was no need to be afraid right now. 

He didn’t succeed with that either. 

Tall Blonde seemed to get that he was serious. He also seemed to hate to realize that Tony wasn’t joking just now. He just paled even further and then sucked in a deep breath of air, seemingly trying to gather all of his calmness, trying his best not to freak out, right here with Tony.

He breathed in again and again, while holding heavy eye contact with Tony, who just raised an eyebrow at him. What was this guy’s deal? 

They both got snapped out of their staring contest, just looking at each other as if the other one had lost their mind, by the child who raised an arm and pulled slightly on the blonde’s hair.

The man flinched out of his haze and then turned to his kid, kissing his forehead before settling him down on the floor and crouching in front of him. Tony was about to ask if they needed privacy before realizing that this was ridiculous. 

”Listen, Pete,” the man hushed, to which  _Pete_  leaned closer to his father, holding his balance on one of his broad shoulders. ”Uncle Bucky is right outside of the door, with Uncle Sam. Can you stay with Bucky and tell Sam to get Uncle Rhoy to come in here, immediately, with a doctor?” 

 _Pete_  nodded seriously and then ran off to the door, struggling with the handle for a second before running outside, shouting ”Uncle Bucky!” 

Steve looked after his son and then rubbed his hand through his hair, taking another shuttering breath before getting up, not walking closer to Tony. He looked at his hand though, as if he wanted to grab it. He looked defeated and as if ready to give anything right now to stop whateverbad that was happening.

He could hear the child talking outside fast and then turned his attention back to the father, who still looked like he was ready to fight his way out of this room. Funny, Tony didn’t even know why he was here to begin with. 

”Okay, what is up with your child? Why does he have 4029 uncles?” Tony just spit out then, trying to begin somewhere to figure out what the hell was happening. 

Tall Blonde gritted his teeth and then settled back to the heavy eye contact. There was more than just blue to his eyes, it was as if they were trying to communicate with him. Begging him for something and Tony was really too tired for anything but straight out explanations. He looked away. 

He studied the drawn dog on his cast instead, looking how the kid had drawn over the rims when coloring it red and golden. 

”Our,” Blonde answered strained, as if it physically hurt him to have to explain that to Tony. He had to, though, because of all the words he could have said, that one seemed to hit a blank in Tony’s brain. 

”Our — ?” He asked, about ready to end this conversation and send this guy together with the child on their merry way home. 

”Our Child.  _Our_  child has 4029 uncles.” 

”Your son.” Tall Blonde’s voice was hard like stone and Tony had no doubt that he had learned that in the military. He didn’t even need to ask to know that this man had served. 

”Darling, like I said.” Tony tried to cross his arms over his chest, realizing too late that he couldn’t move his right one and ended up in some weird half hug with only his left arm, that he then just played off as if it was exactly what he wanted to do. ”No. I’m always careful with these things. Condoms and all.” 

Tall Blonde looked at the ceiling for a second and then settled his heavy gaze back on Tony again. He was sure that it made breathing harder than even the child had, when he had sat on his chest. He wanted to yell at this guy, asking him why he felt the need to communicate with heavy subtext instead of words, but before he could bite that out, the man answered . 

”He was planned.” He looked mildly offended, as if Tony doubting that it was apparently his, apparently planned child, was the most insulting thing. 

”Pardon, he was what?”

Tall Blonde opened his mouth but got interrupted as a doctor and —  _Jesus,_ Rhodey walked in. 

Tony felt his whole body relax when he saw his best friend standing there. ”Thank  _God_ , Rhodes. This man is crazy, honey, help me.”

Rhodey clenched his right eye slightly. A little motion, nearly untraceable, but Tony fell silent instantly. This look on Rhodey couldn’t mean anything good. He was way too military to fidget or flinch but this little clench of his eye meant that something devastating was happening and Tony didn’t know what it was and how to react to it. 

”Mr. Stark?” The doctor said, coming closer and extending his arm. ”I am Dr. Harwich. You were in an accident, do you remember that?”

Tony was about to shake his head and take the offered hand, when the sunlight got caught on something on his left hand and gleamed in a soft gold. 

He flinched away and then held his hand closer to his face. 

Yeah. 

That was a wedding ring on his finger. 

Engraved with a little TS SR and everything. 

On  _his_ finger. 

”Holy  _fuck!”_ Tony exclaimed, only hearing distinctly how his heart monitor shot up a beat and the doctor taking a note, before walking closer to him, talking in a soft voice. ”There is a ring. Rhodes!”

He looked at his best friend with wide eyes, begging him to answer his questions, when his gaze fell on Tall Blonde, who looked like he was about to be sick. As if he had hoped for an outcome and hadjust now watched his whole world falling apart. 

And just like that, something in Tony clicked. And hell, did he wish he was wrong. 

”I — I am not 27 anymore, am I?” Tony asked, his voice wavering and all but breaking but he couldn’t care less about it right now.

All that mattered was Tall Blonde who rubbed his left hand and Tony didn’t even need to look to be sure that he was playing with a wedding ring, that would be the twin to the one on his own hand. 

Tall Blonde and him. 

 _Married_. 

He was convinced that he did just have a one night stand gone rough till like 10 minutes ago and now Rhodey was here and looked devastated but not as much as the blonde stranger, who was actively trying to get his breathing under control, while his eyes did this weird shiny thing, as if he was about to cry. 

Jesus did Tony hope he wouldn’t. Tears really weren’t something he could deal with right now. 

 _Husband_. This stranger was apparently his new family and he didn’t even know the name. 

SR. 

Sam Reagen? Simon Ringer?

S. R. 

 _Family._  

Tony gasped suddenly, ripping his eyes from SR and then turned to look back to Rhodey who only nodded slightly at him, answering a question he had already forgotten, because his mind just yelled  _The Child._

The kid who had called him  _Daddy_  and SR  _Papa_. 

_Uncle Rhoy. Rhodey._

Tony was aware that his breathing was stocking and quick, but he couldn’t help himself. This couldn’t be. This shouldn’t be. He had always been careful. 

And now he was here with a stranger with a ring on his finger and a child that apparently carried his genes and Rhodey looking sad, as if Tony just did the worst possible thing. 

When his eyes finally came back in focus, the stranger was even farther away from his bed, looking about ready to run and fight. 

And yeah, no. As far as Tony’s good faith went, which wasn’t far to begin with, this he did not believe. Not a teensy tiny bit. Because this couldn’t be real. He couldn’t just go to sleep after a big party and then wake up with a husband and a kid, this wasn’t how life worked. 

He had done everything to make sure that he’d live his life exactly like he deserved it, alone but heavily partying. He did never mean to pull other people into this and also — what were the chances. The chances that his life had made a 180 turn and he had ended up with a future that was the polar opposite of how he had pictured it? 

Not high. 

Tony called bullshit, but since he couldn’t really do anything, he just went to keep staring at the doctor and didn’t turn to SR again. Life didn’t go that way, especially not Tony’s and even if it did, he wouldn’t let it.

 

 

38\. He was 38 years old now. 

11 years older than he thought he was. 11 years of which he had no memories. As far as he was concerned, he was still 27, company owner, playboy, billionaire, genius and oh yeah  _playboy_. What he wasn’t though was a father. Or a husband.  _Or a father._  

Tony cringed at the thought. 

The doctor had told him that he had been in a car accident and seemed to have taken quite a hit. Tony only scoffed at the remark and kept starring blankly. Harwich also said that he could go home in the morning but needed to come for check ups every other day, to make sure his brain didn’t start bleeding. 

It felt like it already did, though. 

He also said that he couldn’t promise that his memories would return. It was likely, but it were still  _11 years_  he had lost without remembering any of it anymore, so right now their only hope was hope. 

He then left the room after making sure that Tony was alright, and Rhodey went with him, much to Tony’s misery. 

He didn’t want to be alone with SR. He didn’t even want to be near him. He was still convinced that this guy couldn’t be real. 

Tony looked him up and down. He was handsome, yes, but not so much so, that Tony could imagine to giving up his party life and settle down with him. 

”What is it?” Tony asked straight out, because hell, he was so sick of this heavy silence with someone he should be closest to. ”What makes you so special?”

SR only raised an eyebrow, never stopping to turn his ring on his finger. It made Tony uncomfortable. This ring meant that they had a past. That they were supposed to have a future. That there was an impression of Tony in his man’s head; an impression that was worth marrying and raising a child with. And Tony had no idea what this impression was. He didn’t know how this man remembered him, because he didn’t even know himself right now. He had no idea who he was supposed to be. 

So he just went to being what he knew he could be best. An asshole. Before he went insane. 

And yeah, SR might not deserve that, but he was the one playing with a ring with Tony’s name on it, but not Tony’s consent to do so. He didn’t want to be  _married._ He just wanted to be left alone and drink something that cost more than most people’s monthly rent. 

”What was that?” SR asked, looking  _understanding_  of all things. Tony scoffed. What even was this guy?

He decided to let it drop and find out what it was about this guy that made him marry him later. 

Tony tapped an uneven rhythm on his chest and then startled out of it, when his fingers hit something hard. Confused did he pull out the chain around his neck, pulling his eyebrows down.

Sure enough, he had dog tags on his neck. No way. There just wasn’t a way he had ever served. Tony’s breath quickened for a second before he got a better look at them.

_849355 Captain Steven Grant Rogers, 107th._

Tony looked up from the tags to SR—  _Steven Rogers_ — who had settled down in a chair and looked miserable from there. He looked like his high school sweetheart had just ditched him and he was beyond heartbroken and Tony really didn’t have the patience or nerves to cheer him up.

”So I guess the dog tags around my neck are yours?” He asked, his voice sounding oddly loud in silence of the big hospital room. Definitely a private one. At least he still had his money in the future, better than nothing, he guessed. 

Rogers only looked at the tags in his hand as if he just recognized them as something he has connected a bunch of memories to, but now didn’t know anymore how it fit in all of these. 

Tony shrugged his silence off and turned the tag another time, reading out loud: ”Captain. Captain Steven Grant Rogers.”

He looked up after he finished reading and then stared at the frown that had built up on Roger’s forehead. ”Yeah, seems about right.” 

Rogers looked up from the chain and then nodded in Tony’s direction lightly, as if he had needed further proof that those tags did belong to him.

Tony shook his head breaking the heavy eye contact. This guy really needed to start to stop looking at Tony like he was already working on plans from A over to B all the way to Z. Calculating how to best attack to get the best outcome. Tony didn’t like it. He only knew this guy for about 3 hours now and he was already sick of him trying to fix things. As far as Tony was concerned he just needed a break right now. He didn’t want to work on plans to fix him, he just wanted to be left alone. 

Tony grabbed the chain and pulled the tags over his head, they felt weirdly heavy, as if they were pressing down on his chest with the weight of all the things he had forgotten. ”Here,” he said to Rogers, who looked back down to the tags and then startled back up at Tony. Weird, the terror on his face looked so out of place, since all he’s seen on it till now had been sadness and confusion. 

Rogers didn’t take the tags, though. He just stared at them and back up at Tony as if he was just trying to unsee something and failing completely. His posture, though, was as studied as you could imagine from a  _Captain_. His hands lying in his own lap. Frown right in place; as was his sadness shadow. Tony thought about if this sadness was his fault or if Rogers was just one of those people who have already seen too much on this earth as to ever lose this sadness again. If it had always followed him around like a nasty rain cloud. 

But then Tony remembered the bright smile the man had shot his way when he had first woken up. A smile so bright, Tony couldn’t even picture it on Rogers anymore. He had this sadness to him now, that any smile would look out of place. Tony would find the thought sad, but he really couldn’t deal with someone else’s misery in addition to his own now, too. 

”Don’t.” Rogers’s voice was strained as if he had to take all his trained strength to keep himself from reacting poorly. Tony dropped his hand with the chain and raised an eyebrow at him. 

”What?” Tony asked back, feeling way too tired to actually figure Roger’s shit out right now. 

”Please don’t give them back to me.” Voice heavy, as if Tony had just asked something impossible of him. He looked back to the chain his hands, not really know what to do with them. They didn’t belong to him, he didn’t need them. 

When he looked back at Rogers he really didn’t know how it was even possible for someone to show no emotions and all emotions at the same time. He looked devastated but only around his eyes. The little drop of the corner of his mouth. Else? Flawless. He sat upright, not even pouncing a leg or anything. Tony couldn’t help but think whether or not this man had ever showed his emotions straight out, with his whole body. Maybe he had cried during their wedding? Tony didn’t know. 

Then again, he didn’t know anything right now, so whatever. 

”I don’t need them,” Tony stated confused and then regretted his words when Roger’s other corner of his mouth joined to one that was already pulled down. He looked older now. As if he had just lost a battle and didn’t know what to do with himself now. Well, neither did Tony. As far as Tony was concernedthis Rogers character couldjust take his son and go. 

”Please,” Rogers answered, the word had a weight to it that made it seem impossibly heavy and important. Tony was about to make a cheap line about begging, before biting his lip and nodding.

What - fucking - ever. 

”Okay, damn,” Tony said, annoyance clear in his voice, even if he didn’t want it. He wanted his emotions just as hidden because what Rogers could do, he could do twice as good. He was sure of it. He had to smile for cameras ever since he was 5 fucking years old, he could convince a stranger that he didn’t feel utterly annoyed by his misery. 

They sat some more in weird silence, neither really knowing what to say or do. Rogers sure looked convinced, though, to figure this whole thing out on his own. He just sat there as if he was reassessing what he needed to do now. 

Tony wanted to yell at him to knock it off but got interrupted by the door opening slowly. 

The kid walked in, holding the hand of a tall guy with long brown hair and lack of a left arm. Tony was rude enough to not even hide that he was staring for a second. He knew that he was an impression in all of those people’s minds; a different person. Better make them used to who he actually was before they got their hopes up.

The man just pulled up one corner of his mouth and then nodded down, bringing Tony’s attention to the dog tags on his neck.  _Jesus_ , did everyone of his new —  _friends? —_ serve? 

”Stevie,” the man’s voice was husky, but had a warm edge to it. ”Pete wants to see his Daddy and go home.” 

 _Peter_ nodded seriously and then pulled on the man’s arm to get closer to Tony. His  _Daddy_. 

Tony cringed away slightly and just starred at the kid as if it was an experiment gone wrong. 

”Slow down, Pete,” Rogers said softly, looking up at the man and then picked the boy up from the floor, sitting back down with him on his lap. The kid was squirming though, reaching out to Tony who was already looking for a panic button again. 

”No, I wanna hug Daddy!” The kid whined and Tony was about to try to suffocate himself with a pillow. He couldn’t stand this whining. It caused him a headache he really didn’t need right now. 

”Peter,” Steve said, but then only shrugging in the man’s direction helplessly, not knowing what to tell the kid. Well, Tony couldn’t help there either but he knew that he didn’t want to hug a child,  _his child_ , right now. He just wanted to fall back asleep and wake up being 27 years old again. ”Daddy is hurt, you could overwhelm him.” 

”But Uncle Bucky said I could go see Daddy!” The kid pouted, crossing his little arms over his chest. He really looked a lot like his father. 

The man —  _Bucky —_ huffed and then went over to the kid, ruffling his light brown hair playfully. ”And I kept my promise, Mister, you do see your Daddy.”

Yeah, if people could stop calling him that it’d be great. It still gave him a mini heart attack every time. That and the taste of  _Nope_  in the back of his mouth. 

”But —”, the kid cut himself off and then leaned back against his father, looking annoyed but not ready to start an argument. Tony was glad about that. He really didn’t need to see a Father — Son argument right now. 

”I’m sorry, Pete,” Steve said slowly, crossing his hands in front of the child’s belly, hugging him to his chest and burring his nose in the boy’s hair, closing his eyes for a second. ”Daddy isn’t feeling so good right now, but he will come back home with us tomorrow.”

 _Peter’s_  eyes lit up with excitement and he shuffled a bit on Roger’s lap, to get a better look of Tony. ”Then you can read to me again! Papa and Uncle Bucky don’t get the dinosaur voices right.”

Tony raised his eyebrows and just starred. 

Dinosaur voices. 

His new life had him reading to a child in dinosaur voices in it. 

Tony thought he might faint.

”Hey! I do the dinosaur voices just right,”  _Bucky_  complaint playfully before snatching the child off his father’s lap, lifting him up and then just stared at the boy with a played - serious expression before making a grimace, making the child giggle excitedly. 

”No, no, you don’t! Daddy reads the dinosaurs  _so_  much better!” He giggled, holding onto his uncle’s long hair. 

”That so?” 

”Yes!” The kid still giggled and then began to swing his legs to be held more comfortably. 

”Liar,” Bucky mumbled before settling the boy on his hip and then turning back to Rogers. ”He needs to go home and sleep, Stevie, it’s been an exciting day for him, he needs a break.”

Rogers nodded and got up. He pressed one kiss to the top of his son’s head, who had closed this eyes, still having one of his hands in his Uncle’s hair, holding on to it. 

”I’ll bring him home in a sec, do you mind watching him a bit longer, though? I want to say goodbye to Tony.”

Bucky looked really sad for a second, losing the easy expression he had worn just a minute ago. Tony couldn’t help but think that it might just have been an act for the kid. To leave him in ignorance for just another few hours, before dropping the truth bomb on him.

His Daddy had no idea who he was and was less than not even a bit enthusiastic to find it out. 

Bucky looked at Steve like he wanted to lay a hand on his shoulder, but his only arm was holding a snoring child to his chest, so he just nodded understandingly.

”Sure thing, pal. Visiting hour is over in 10 minutes so make it quick. I’ll be outside with Sam and Petey.” 

Rogers nodded again and then turned back to Tony who really had no idea what he was expected to do.

”That was Bucky. Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. He’s my best friend.”

Tony raised his eyebrows, not knowing what to do with that information. ”So?” 

Steve breathed in deeply, not losing his posture. Tony kind of wished he did, just to know where they stood. But Steve stayed contained, nodding shortly. 

”He is one of our closest friends, you will see him around more often. I just thought you should at least know who he is.”

Tony shrugged and then they just stared at each other again. 

 

Tony was sure that sometimes in life there really just is this one second, the first impression that will lead your life in a certain direction, changing it all. You rarely get a second chance for that.

This here was Rogers’s and his second chance, though. And they had fucked it up. Life would lead in a different direction from here. No doubt, if this had been the first time they had met, they would have ended up as not even friends. Just passing strangers. 

And maybe this was the way his life told him that his plan of dying alone while partying was back on the top of the list, because he had had his chance. And he had acted wrong. 

This thought was out of his head in mere seconds. He didn’t think he had acted  _wrong_. He didn’t really give a damn. He didn’t know this Rogers guy, he had woken up with no hope to change the end his life was leading to. He didn’t need a husband and kid to have a good life, either. He never needed anybody. He had never intended to drag others in the mess he called his life and it wouldn’t change now either. Even though in the past he had seemed to have changed. 

Well, forgetting his whole family was a sign that he didn’t deserve that, if he’d ever seen one. It was better to let that all go now, he obviously wasn’t destined to be happy and he has had all his life to accept that. 

Rogers didn’t seem to think that this was the end, though. He looked devastated but ready to try anything humanly possible to turn this whole thing around. Tony didn’t think that they’d find a way, but he kept his mouth shut, leaving Rogers to reach that conclusion on his own. 

Yet, Rogers left looking like he had just lost the thing that made his earth spin.  

Tony didn’t know why the image of the sad man didn’t want to leave his head for hours. It was weirdly attached to every thought he had. As if his body was telling him that sad Rogers was a bad thing as if he had the energy to give a fuck. 

Tony shook his head, closing his eyes and put all of his past thoughts in a box labeled 'Never ever open again ever'. 

Afterwards he took the chain with the dog tags off, holding the metal in his open palm. It was slightly warm from his body head. He thought about just laying them on the nightstand but he’d probably forget them in the morning. 

He huffed. Why would he care? They weren’t even his. They belonged to a stranger. A stranger whose ring he had on his finger.

Tony’s eyes wandered to his left hand, inspecting the ring before pulling it off, feeling as if it would burn his skin if he left it on one second longer. He shouldn’t be wearing it. He didn’t want to. He didn’t belong to anyone, he wasn’t married. His mind-set wasn’t, anyway. 

He ended up putting the ring on the chain of the tags and put both of it around his neck again, ignoring the feeling as if he was being choked by the sheer weight of them.


	2. Chapter 2

Tony did sleep a few hours, having weird dreams about him and Rogers, outside with the kid. It was a far cry from a nightmare but it didn’t fell like it wasn't one either. It just reminded him of one thing, that he had forgotten what apparently had been the most important thing in his life. And as hard as he tried, he just couldn’t see it. That wasn’t him. He wasn’t made to care so deeply for somebody that he’d give up everything he was for them. It wasn’t what he wanted to be. 

Tony spent the rest of the morning trying to ignore an aching head, till the door opened slowly and Rogers walked in. Talking about sleeping badly, the man looked like he hadn’t gotten more than maybe 2 hours of sleep himself.

”I’m here to bring you home,” Rogers said, his voice had a low undertone of challenge, as if he dared Tony to tell him not to call it  _home._

He was tempted to do so, for a second. Just to remind Rogers one more time that he wasn’t whoever he was when he had married him. To show him that they didn’t share a  _home_. Not anymore anyway. 

Tony raised one eyebrow, deciding not to fight him on that right now, though. He’d rant about it later. ”Are we in my Malibu house?” 

Jesus, he hoped they were. He loved his house there. And it was also big enough to be able to avoid Rogers and his kid till they got the message that Tony was different now, was as he used to be, was who he was meant to be. 

”No,” Rogers answered slowly, grabbing Tony’s duffle bag with one arm, offering his free hand to help Tony get up. Tony pushed it out of the way and got up on his own, his side and broken arm hurting at the movement, but he was way too proud to take help. ”We’re in the Stark tower. We live in the penthouse.”

Tony stopped and just opened his mouth a little bit in disbelieve. ”In the what now?”

Rogers huffed a little laugh, not more than a slight nose exhale as if Tony had just remind him of something that had been really funny a long time ago. ”Stark Tower. Believe me, I was against that name, too. But you insisted. Even put the name on the outside, bold and glowing blue.” 

Yeah, that sounded more like him than anything else he had seen of his 'present' life in the past few days. 

Tony nodded, walking past Rogers to the door, thinking of taking his bag himself, but then deciding against it. It would be ridiculous, he could barely move in a straight line much less carry a heavy bag. So he just walked in front of Rogers, always faster, not to walk by his side. He didn’t have a reason as to why it felt like the right thing to do, to not walk by his side. Maybe because it was so perfectly metaphorical. He wasn’t by Rogers’s side anymore, he didn’t want to be. 

He’d be the first one to admit that it wasn’t his most genius train of thoughts, the second he got to the parking lot not knowing what the fuck kind of car his future self was even driving. Rogers had the decency to not look too smug when he caught up to Tony, standing in the middle of the lot, looking lost. 

 

It was an expensive car, so that’s a plus. But it was just boring silver and it had a child safety seat in the back. Tony was about ready to let himself be driven over. There just was no way that his life was like that now. 

Rogers looked at his pained expression and raised one corner of his mouth tiredly. ”The child seat is behind the driver seat in my car but behind the passenger seat in yours, because you always wanted to be able to keep an eye on little Pete, no matter what car.” 

Tony whips around in his seat and just stared at Rogers, who shook his head and turned the key to start the car. 

Tony left the statement unanswered, not quite believing that somehow, some time there had been a version of him, who put child safety seats in his cars, calculated to always be able to have a good view on a child.  _His_ child.

He felt more sick than he had before. How? How could he have gone from  _him_  to that in 11 years? What the hell had happened to him that he went from playboy party animal to wearing a ring and driving in cars with child safety seats? 

Those question didn’t leave him till the evening, but he never got his answers. 

The tower was okay, he guessed. The penthouse was enormous and full with family pictures and children’s toys that laid around on the floor about everywhere. He would have looked around some more but he didn’t want to end up opening a door and stumble over the child or something. He just went to sit on the couch with a tablet, tempted to google his name and look over what else he’d done but he decided against it when the first headline that popped up had been: 

 _Tony Stark gaining pounds on family vacation? — Read_ Spotted _to find out everything about Stark and Husband Steven Rogers and their son Peter, as they werespotted enjoying a sunny afternoon on the beach outside of Malibu._  

Yeah, no. He didn’t want to know about his past — future self and his beach afternoons with child and husband. He just wanted to throw a big  _I survived_ party. 

Tony rather spent the whole day alone on the couch, after Rogers had told him that he’d have to work a bit on a painting and that Tony shouldn’t hesitate to call, if he needed anything. 

He needed answers though and he really didn’t want to ask Rogers about them. He couldn’t trust him. He didn’t trust  _this_. 

How could he? What were the chances that this was real, really? 

Too little to trust anyone right now, as far as he cared. 

Before he could think about it harder, though, he found a folder named  _Ideas_  on his tablet and began to read trough different notes of different inventions, all sounding more or less interesting. 

He only realized how much time had passed when he began yawning and looked up to see the elevator opening and Rogers stepping out. He had a streak of blue paint across his right cheek and the sleeping boy in his arms. 

Rogers shook his head slightly when Tony opened his mouth to say something and looked down at the kid. Tony rolled his eyes and sunk back on the couch, giving Rogers the time to bring the child to bed. 

Tony nearly fell asleep on the couch, but got startled out of his sleep when Rogers cleared his throat behind him, before walking over to the bar at the kitchen, leaning against it without looking away from Tony. 

”Sorry that I wasn’t around today but the doctor said that you should have time to get to know your new home by yourself,” Steve held on to his belt buckle with both of his hands. It looked obscene, as if he was trying to lead Tony’s attention to his crotch, but without realizing it. 

It worked either way. But Tony got bored fast, Rogers’s pants weren’t exactly tight so all Tony could do was guess at best. 

Steve nodded at the lack of answer, looking over to the big windows, just keeping his eyes on the glow of the city for a second before he turned back to Tony. ”I bet you have a lot of questions.”

Tony wanted to shake his head just to piss Rogers off. See if he could get any other expression out of the man except forsadness or resignation. 

He decided against it, again. Rogers seemed more like the kind of guy that you could make mad easily but way faster with actual words. 

Tony yawned again and then laid his arms on the head rest of the couch, not breaking eye contact either.  ”Yeah,” he replied shortly, eyeing how Rogers stood up straighter raising his eyebrows in question and determination, as if he was ready to pull up a whole power point to answer any question Tony might ask. ”Where is my bedroom? I really wanna sleep.”

Steve flexed his jaw and then nodded, his expression not slipping once. ”Down the hall, third door on your left.” 

He made little motions with his right hand as if  _Down the hall third door on your left_  was something so complicated that Tony needed it visualized. 

Before Tony could bite something back, though, he stopped himself and pulled his eyebrows together. 

”That’s the guest room,” Tony scoffed mockingly and then smirked bitter sweetly at Rogers. ”You don’t even give me the master bed room and here I am, having taken you for a gentleman.”

”I would give it to you,” Rogers stated, crossing his arms. 

Tony nodded mockingly and began to stand up. ”Sure.” 

Rogers pushed himself from the kitchen counter he had leaned against, but then stayed were he was. ”I really would, but the master bedroom is closest to Peter and I don’t want him to walk into your room if he wakes up in the middle of the night.”

Tony screwed up his nose and looked Rogers up one more time. ”Wait, our bedroom was right next to our son’s? Man, our sex life must have been dead.”

Rogers didn’t change the way he looked at Tony, just raising his eyebrows, as if Tony didn’t get something really easy. Tony hated that expression. He wasn’t stupid, that was like the only thing he was certain about right now and who the hell was Rogers to look at him like he was. 

Tony scoffed and walked a few steps in the direction of  _down the hall third door on his left_  when he turned around, fake smile on his lips. ”And don’t you crawl in the bed with me later and try something, I’m too tired for sex right now, even though I bet you’re great at it, gorgeous.”

Rogers didn’t tease back, he just pulled his eyebrows together, as if Tony had lost his mind. Tony could barely stop himself from rolling his eyes. ”I would never.”

Tony had no doubt, Rogers’s voice didn’t leave any room for it. He sounded determined and honest, in a way too heavy an answer for a supposed joke. ”Jesus, it was a joke, Rogers, lose that righteous frown.”

Rogers only sighed, turning to walk to the couch rubbing over his forehead. Tony couldn’t believe that a man as big as him could look that little. 

”Okay, stop that,” Tony called out, walking a few steps closer to the couch, from which Rogers only looked up at him questioningly. ”You look like a damsel in distress, Rogers, Jesus.”

The blond just looked at him tiredly and then turned to look at his hands instead of Tony. ”You keep calling me Rogers. It’s Steve. Steven Grant Rogers.”

Yeah no, first name basis wasn’t happening. 

Also, Tony knew that. He knew the man’s damn name; he’s been carrying it around his neck, because he had insisted that Tony kept his damn dog tags. 

 _Rogers_  looked back up and then got up slowly, walking closer to Tony, expression open and determined. ”I was born on the July 4th, 1984.”

4th of July, of course. Of course Tony was married to Mister America himself. 

As answer, though, he opened his arms wide in question. ”Congratulations! What am I supposed to do with that?” 

Steve only shook his head and continued. ”His name is Peter Stark Rogers. Born May 3rd 2014.”

Tony wasn’t interested in that. He really didn’t care. He didn’t know why Rogers told him all that, since he hadn’t asked. But then something caught his interest against his intentions. ”Who did we fuck to get a child looking likeboth of us?” He asked roughly, not caring about his language. 

Rogers face lit up a little when Tony finally took part in the conversation. ”My twin sister was our surrogate.”

Tony huffed and turned to face Rogers fully. ”I fucked your sister?”

Rogers just looked resigned as if he already knew that Tony would answer that. Tony felt like the man gave him the urge to roll his eyes more often than any other human being.

”Yeah, yeah, don’t pop a blood vessel I get it, genius, remember?” He added before Rogers could. ”So I gave my sperm and your sister got our baby?”

Rogers nodded slightly. ”Basically.”

Tony clenched his eyes suspiciously. ”And I wanted that?”

Rogers had this little smile again, definitely remembering back to something that made him happy. Then the moment was gone and he looked sad again, probably realizing that this memory wasn’t worth much since the only other person who should remember it too, didn’t anymore. 

”You were over the moon,” he said silently, eyes shining in a bright blue, making him look way younger than 34. 

Tony clicked his tongue and then shook his head slightly. ”Doesn’t sound like me.”

Rogers swallowed once, closing his eyes shortly, looking like Tony does, when he tries to sort out his thoughts, order them in different boxes. ”You were terrified,” Rogers huffed eventually, opening his eyes again,” but also so happy. When she told us that it had worked, you were all but crying.”

Tony was really glad that he had sworn off the habit to blush. He had cried when he found out that he’d get a child? Yeah, no, thanks. 

”It’s too late to abort it now, isn’t it?” He asked, hoping to ease the mood. Rogers let this joke fall flat as well and Tony really began to think that it had definitely not been his humor that had charmed him into marrying him.  

He just ruffled his blond hair then and looked at Tony with that tired sad look he always seemed to have going on. It was so weird to also see faint wrinkles around his mouth and eyes. Picturing Rogers laugh so often, that his face wrinkled up? He couldn’t. Rogers looked like one of those people who were just doomed to be sad, but maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he had been really happy before it all. It was more than possible, judging everything. 

Steve sighed and then got up, walking to the kitchen, beginning to wash the dishes silently, obviously still thinking about how to say something. Tony was about to run out of the room when he saw a plastic plate with little rockets on it, but then Rogers stopped his motions, turning to Tony. He kept his eyes on the plate in his hands though and Tony really began to hate Rogers for always looking like he had a lot of precious memories attached to about anything. 

He held the plate as if it was something important and Tony didn’t get it. Might never get it. For him this plate was just one of the many reminders that he had lost something that he would have considered  _good_  if he hadn’t been doomed from the start. 

”I’m looking like a  _damsel in distress,_ because you should know all that,” Rogers spoke up, placing the plate on the counter, finally facing Tony. ”You should know when your son was born. You should know your husband’s full name. You did know that. But now you don’t and you don’t even care about it, do you?”

Tony smirked at it, as if it was something great, that he had gotten Rogers to understand that his husband was gone and the chances of him coming back weren’t too good. It wasn’t why he smirked though. It was because in the end it was still the easiest lie to tell when everything else fails you. 

”In my defense, I never asked for any of that.”

Rogers’s shoulders fell a bit, as if he had been hoping to this point that Tony would deny that he didn’t care. Tony sure could’ve but why would he? He had too much to figure out, to also be able to make other people’s lives easier. 

”I know you didn’t ask for the accident, Tony,” Rogers said remorseful, as if he had just done something wrong. ”I’m sorry.”

Tony could totally be an ass about all this. 

He tried to find his best options, maybe crack another joke, see if he could get any reaction out of Rogers. Anything but his sad frown. 

Or, yeah, he should be an ass about it, because after all, what was easier? What would finally bring the message across that Tony wasn’t the husband anymore he seemed to once had been. He didn’t know how to. He didn’t want to know. 

”I didn’t ask for a husband or son either, but here we are,” Tony said smugly, looking closely to see if something in Rogers sad expression slipped. He stayed flawlessly, not even flinching around the eyes or anything. Tony blew out some air. 

Rogers turned around and put the plate in one drawer before turning back, making his way to his son’s bedroom door. Before he could reach it, though, and check on the kid he turned around again, looking at Tony remorseful again, but in a more pitying way.

”You did, actually. You were the one who asked me to marry you.” 

That was the last thing Tony heard from him for that night and yeah, it was about all he could take anyway. 

As if.

As if this blonde guy had just walked into his life and made Tony,  _playboy_ , pop the question. He couldn’t believe that, so he just wouldn’t accept it. Denial was one of his stronger trades, always had been. 

He loved to face his problems the easiest way, the opposite of head on. Even more so when there was literally nothing he could do. He’d love to remember everything, finally get the answers he craved, but he couldn’t just press a button and remember, so he had to hope for the best.

Yeah, well, he had always been bad at that. 

 

When he walked into the kitchen the next morning, it was silent so he hoped for the best and then nearly choked to death on his own spit when tall, dark hair, one arm —  _Bucky —_  greeted him, who was silently sitting on his chair lazily. 

Once Tony had recovered from a coughing fit that definitely saved his life, he looked at Bucky annoyed. 

”You know, when you look at me like that, it’s as if you are back to normal,” Bucky just replied easily, locking his phone.

Tony scolded and then sat down heavily, as far away from the obvious plate for a kid that was already set on the table.

“What is this?” Tony asked, looking suspiciously at the numerous different fruit juices on the table. ”Why is there juice on my table and why isn’t caffeine next to it?”

Bucky huffed and took another piece of bread and began to put butter onto it. ”There’s a kid in the house, remember?”

Tony rubbed his head and groaned, looking around for a coffee machine. ”Oh yeah, I hoped that this was just a fucked up dream.” 

”Daddy ’s talking funny.” He heard the kid giggle from the doorway and spun around to face the little boy. 

His hair was damp and there was a bit of toothpaste on his right cheek. Rogers came walking up behind him with a wet shirt, looking a bit out of breath. Yeah, Tony totally didn’t want to ever give bath to a kid, it seemed like a lot of work. 

Bucky laughed deeply and got up to pick the kid up before he could run to Tony, who was more than glad about that. He wasn’t ready to be cuddled by —  _his child_. Jesus. He still felt a bit sick just thinking about it. 

”And? Have you annoyed your Papa while he was bathing you?” Bucky smiled at the boy and settled him on his hip. The boy giggled again and then looked at his father with dark but sparkling eyes. 

”Yes!” He exclaimed loudly, giggling again, ”When I move around a lot, his shirt gets all wet, look!”

Rogers ruffled his son’s hair and filled orange juice in his cup, giving it to Peter who extended his hands greedily. 

”Good thing that Uncle Bucky always encourages that, Petey. Really big thanks, Buck,” he said teasing, before reaching on top of the kitchen counter, putting a coffee pot in front of Tony.

In that moment Tony thought that he could actually see why he had married that man. 

”I guess you still drink it black, but there’s also milk and sugar,” Steve said to him. 

He then reached out, taking Peter out of his uncle's arms and putting him on his chair. 

”Rainbow!” Peter exclaimed and Tony drank his whole cup of coffee in one go. He couldn’t do that. Children were just so — children.

Rogers nodded, though, obviously understanding his son without further questions. He turned around and got fruit loops from the kitchen shelf, filling some in Peter’s bowl. 

Peter babbled happily with his uncle, the two laughed a lot. Tony wondered if he had been a good father once. If he had been the one to bath Peter and get his fruit loops, before. If he had been the one to laugh with him. 

He guessed he must have been. He also guessed that it wasn’t every day that Bucky ate with them but that Rogers must have asked him to come and help. 

Tony was about to walk out of the kitchen and find the most quiet place in this whole damn tower so that he could freak out in panic, pity himself, plan how to get out of this situation. It seemed pretty impossible, since well he was legally married and also a  _father_. 

Yeah, he definitely needed to find a place to freak out. 

Before he could even get out of the kitchen, though, the kid looked up from his fruit loops and then pulled his eyebrows together, a look that made his tiny face look like his father’s. 

”Daddy, we don’t stand up before everybody finished eating!” Peter exclaimed, pushing his spoon back in his bowl roughly, spilling milk over. 

”Yeah, well, kid,” Tony said slowly, while watching Rogers getting up and cleaning the table. Bucky, though, stayed seated and looked at Tony with a serious expression. He always looked easy and relaxed when he was talking to Peter, keeping his voice light and funny. His gaze right now wasn’t light, though. It was heavy with a clear warning. Tony should watch his mouth, calculate what he would tell the kid. 

Tony would love to see what Bucky would do if he ignored that warning. Would love to see if the man would lose his temper that easily. He raised in eyebrow at him before continuing. ”Those rules don’t apply to me anymore. I’m a grown up, I can stand up from the table whenever I please.”

He turned around and was ready to just lie back down in his bed, when Peter answered him. Tony only barely suppressed a roll of his eyes. 

”But you said breakfast together is important,” the kid pouted and Tony laid his head back, sighing loudly. 

”Like I said, I’m grown up, I can go whenever I want.”

Peter didn’t look happy with the answer. He seemed confused, as if he couldn’t understand why Tony would leave the table like that, when he had apparently always sat there till his  _family_  had been finished.

His life must have sucked. 

”Your Daddy is still a little sick, Petey Pie,” Rogers chimed back in then, shooting Tony a look. ”He has to sleep a lot now, but he’ll join us together soon again.”

Yeah, no, Peter didn’t look too convinced. He crossed his thin arms over his chest and chewed on his bottom lip. ”But — but you said I’d see Daddy again today! You said if I was behaving good with Uncle Bucky yesterday, I could play with Daddy again!”

”Yeah but  _Daddy_  doesn’t want to play now,” Tony bit out, harsher than he intended to but he couldn’t care less right now. 

This kid was spoiled if he thought that he could just pout his way to get everything. Tony never had family dinners, he never had play time with his father and look at him now. He was doing alright.

He ignored the voice in his head that told him that if he really was doing all right, he wouldn’t treat a little kid who couldn’t grasp the situation right now, as if he was being unreasonable. 

Tony was about done with all of this when he saw Peter’s bottom lip wobble, before big tears rolled down his cheeks. ”But Papa promised!” He sobbed and Tony just stood there, not really knowing what was expected of him right now.

Bucky looked at him like he was already planning how to get away with murder. 

He began to fidget with his feet before locking his eyes with Rogers, who just still looked sad. Hell, did Tony wish he’d finally see something else on this man’s face. Just about anything else.  A smile. Or even just anger. 

Tony fled out of the kitchen, the last thing he saw was Rogers picking the crying kid up and beginning to rub over his back, trying to soothe him, talking in a soft voice to the distressed child. 

He didn’t mean to make the child cry or anything. He just didn’t know what to do. He never asked for this, he didn’t want to be a father, he didn’t want the white picket fence life. 

And also he knew he didn’t deserve this life. So better push it away before getting used to it, just to lose it. Because he would. He didn’t know lot by now but he knew for sure that he just couldn’t keep good things. It was just how his life was, this whole situation was just further proof of that. 

Still, he had fucked up. He had made the kid sad and well, if there was somebody who literally had no fault at all about all of this, it was him. 

Tony decided to just avoid the hell out of the child till he was about 18, maybe. 

He told Rogers exactly that when he came to find him, anger still missing from his face. He just looked disappointed but not surprised at all. Tony shouldn’t be as bothered by it as he was. Who gave a damn that he had disappointed a stranger? He shouldn’t. He still did, though, just a little. 

Rogers had an incredulous expression as if he couldn’t believe how stupid Tony’s statement just was. ”You can’t just stop being a father,” he stated, disbelieving that he actually had to say that out loud.

Tony scoffed and then raised one eyebrow. "Yeah? My father could tell you a few things about that.”

Tony crossed his arms over his chest but then couldn’t stop thinning of Peter from this morning, when he had done the same. Jesus, the kid really did look like him. There was something so terrifying about that thought that Tony couldn’t even keep his arms like that. He let them fall to his side awkwardly, wondering when he had lost his smoothness. 

Steve had his hands on his belt buckle again, towering Tony by a few inches, still having this incredulous look on his face. ”So you do remember your father and you still have no desire to be better than that?”

Tony huffed again, not knowing why he felt so insulted by those words. Maybe because he had subconsciously always thought that he already was better than that, but never thinking about why. This put him on the spot. But the last thing Tony would consider doing right now was agreeing with Rogers. ”Dear,” he answered instead awfully sweet, hiding that the words had hit him like a sucker punch. ”I have literally no idea who you are.”

Rogers just nodded as answer, huffing slightly. Sad expression on his face as if it was the only look he knew. 

Tony just had this bitter sweet taste in his mouth. 

_What made him better than his father?_

Tony hated that he knew that the answer right now was clear and obvious: Nothing. 

He really wished this thought wouldn’t have the impact it did on him. He didn’t want to have anything to prove but right now, he was sure he had to. 

Tony hated to be told to do things. He was better than his father, he didn’t know how or why, but he was. 

Rogers had no idea who he was, so who was he to judge whether or not he was better than his father? What did he even know about all of this?

All Rogers ever did was look sad and miserable, who the hell was he to tell Tony his behaviour was wrong? 

Tony didn’t know how he even got this thought, but his next notion might be his worst one yet. Still, though, he didn’t have a better idea either. He needed to live here and to make that possible he needed Rogers to stop being miserable around him and start to show other emotions. Do  _something_. Anything. 

Tony aimed for anger, because if there was something he could do, it was piss people off. He just wanted to see Rogers be something other than sad. That there were other approaches to achieve that, was something that didn’t occur to him. Or maybe it did but he really didn’t want to listen to it, because fuck Rogers, that’s why. 

Tony has always loved a challenge and if that was the only thing he really could hold on to, who was gonna stop him? 

He aimed for the most casual tone the next time he saw Rogers, which was way earlier than he’d have liked, unsurprisingly. He had to live with them, his  _family._ Tony settled down on the couch, in which Rogers was sitting, folding laundry. 

”You look really good, I get that,” Tony clicked with his tongue, letting his gaze linger on Rogers, deliberately. Rogers, though, didn’t even look up, he just folded a ridiculously little shirt with blue fish on it; seriously did kid’s clothes even need folding? 

Tony huffed frustrated, then, not getting the attention he hoped he’d get. He leaned a bit closer to Rogers, getting his smug grin back on his face. He’d get the sadness off of the man’s face and if it took everything he got. 

”No, seriously, I get it, you got this whole tall and blonde with baby blues going on, I get why I’d hit that.” Rogers took in a sharp breath and looked up from a little shirt with dinosaurs printed on it. Tony counted it as win.  

”Is there something you need, Tony?” Rogers asked, sounding tired. Tony wondered how this man even managed to keep his sad pout on when he was as tired as he sounded. 

”No, I’m just wondering. Is your dick magical or something?” 

Tony was strangely aware that there were lines people shouldn’t cross. He didn’t know why he had the low feeling as if this sentence might have been something that did overstep.

Rogers hands gripped tighter around the dinosaur shirt and honestly, nobody should be allowed to look this finished with their lives while holding a neon blue kid’s shirt with tiny green dinosaurs on it in their hands.  

”Excuse me?” Rogers took a deep breath, his hands loosen around the fabric, any hint of the beginning of frustration or shock was just pushed away as if it had never been there to begin with.

”Well,” Tony said slowly, watching Rogers even closer. How could this man be so good at showing no emotions but one? It frustrated Tony; he had always appreciated people who could just be straight forward. He knew that Rogers had more in him than just a sad pout. ”I see why I’d fuck you, totally. But 8 years? Marriage? Kid? Let me see!” 

Rogers was about to pick up the next shirt but then dropped his hands to his sides instead, turning to look at Tony with a tiredness that just a father could muster. ”Let you see what?” 

”What do you think?” Tony threw his hands in the air, before grinning smugly. ”Your dick, of course. It has to be like  _huge_ , at least.”

Rogers blinked. ”My dick.” 

Tony had never heard a more dry, deadpanned and done statement in his life. Yet, it was not what he wanted. Also, frankly, he was actually interested. Not in his dick, really, but what reason this marriage had. He just couldn’t see it. He was more than confused and nobody could tell him how it all came down to that. 

”Yeah,” he answered simply, as a matter of fact. Might as well. 

Rogers closed his eyes shortly, obviously keeping himself from reacting to this whole thing in a poor manner. Tony nearly cursed, why was this man so good at controlling himself? He had struck Tony as someone who rather acted than watched. Somebody who was ready to fight, for whatever reason. But here he was, raising one eyebrow at Tony as if he had just proposed the most ridiculous thing. And frankly, yeah, he might have. 

”You want me to undress right now so you can continue to minimize our marriage to how I look?”

Tony nearly rolled his eyes in the back of his head, when he heard the righteous voice,  _Jesus_.

What a killjoy. 

”Is there a reason you don’t want to? You don’t give me the small dick vibes, but I guess —” 

Tony didn’t know why he was the one who had to hide how annoyed he was with the whole thing right now. He was trying to provoke Rogers a little, but his way of being easy to tease and simultaneously too calm to show a reaction just seemed wrong and unfair. 

”The reason is that it’s inappropriate and rude.”

Tony figured that the thing that annoyed him most was that Rogers seemed ready to be angry. He seemed ready to argue. But he was holding back, hiding everything behind this clam and heartbroken mask and Tony could just explode in frustration. 

Not that he’d show Rogers that. The game was on. 

”We’re married, it’s not inappropriate. I bet I had this dick in my mouth more often than either of us could count,” Tony stated bluntly, breaking the heavy eye contact just in favor to look if Rogers was blushing. 

He was a little red around the tips of his ears, but evidently determined to act like he wasn’t. Instead of giving Tony a big reaction, he just shook his head, huffing. 

”This is not what’s inappropriate about all this,” he answered and walked out without another glance in Tony’s direction.

And maybe he had been wrong, because that was a big reaction. He couldn’t really do anything with it, but yeah it was. 

That didn’t keep him from shouting ”Prude” after Rogers.

 

 

Tony kind of hated that it became something he enjoyed to do. Asking Rogers inappropriate things, lashing out, be disrespectful and watch him squirm. Rogers struck him as someone who didn’t back down from a fight when he got the slightest feeling of injustice but he didn’t fight Tony. He held back. 

 

What he did have, though, were little tells. It took Tony a while to figure them out for what they were but now he just saw Rogers clenching his hands to fist, blinking twice as often or sigh in a tired way and Tony could see that he was about to snap. 

He never did, though, and it really began to annoy Tony.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :-)  
> Let me know what you think of this chapter, I hope you liked it !!
> 
> All of your comments to the last chapter were so nice, I'm still smiling about them! I'm sorry I didn't answer, I'm really running on like 0 free time right now, but please know that I appreciated them all. 
> 
> I'm still searching for a Beta Reader btw so if you're interested, just write me. (Btw my reader will get the other around 20k words of this story I have already written instantly; I don't know if anybody would want that but - - if you want to have the updates before anybody else: antiheld140910@icloud.com)
> 
> I also posted the first chapter of another fic, it's post: Infinity War, check it out and let me know what you think :)  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/16730871/chapters/39244470
> 
> I hope you have a nice day! 
> 
> \- Nick


	3. Chapter 3

He was sitting at the dinning table, probably spotting his best miserably annoyed face, while he played around with his mashed potatoes. He had a heart to heart with Rhodey, who was the only person who had known him long enough to know what his 27 year old self was like and what to expect. 

Rhodey hadn’t seemed to mind his behaviour when he had actually been 27, but now he just looked at Tony like he was missing something magnificent and when he had asked him about it, all he did was shake his head and pat his back as if this would make anything easier. 

The only thing he had gotten out of this conversation was that he now felt bad when not attending the family dinners, so here he was. He couldn’t even remember what Rhodey had said that made him feel guilty when he ate in his own room, but he cursed his best friend for it every day.

He sighed, snapping back to attention when the kid spilled his glass over. 

Jesus. 

Rogers ruffled the boys hair, who looked rather upset. ”It’s alright, Petey.” 

Tony rolled his eyes about the whole scene. He went on distance with the kid, always avoiding running into him. He didn’t want to explain to the kid that he wasn’t his kid. Like — he was but he wasn’t. Not anymore. Tony was not ready to be a father and also didn’t plan on ever being ready.

”Ugh, fuck,” Tony muttered, when the kid’s spilled apple juice reached his side of the table before Rogers could clean it up.

Peter began to chuckle about the bad word again, Rogers, though, just spotted a disapproving frown. ”Do you mind watching your language around our kid?” 

Tony sighed and laid his head back, he couldn’t believe this was his life now. 

”I need a drink,” he simply answered, looking around in the kitchen,notlooking at the kid once, still hoping he would just forget that he used to have two fathers.

He wasn’t successful with it yet, though, he heard the kid ask his father every night why his Daddy didn’t read his night — night stories anymore. 

Tony really needed that drink because he didn’t know why thinking about it made his insides hurt the way it did and he really didn’t want to think about it, either. 

Rogers looked up from where he was cleaning the table. ”You actually quit drinking.”

Tony swore he could feel his eyes pop out of his head. Then though he just settled for another heavy sigh as answer. "Of course I did. Kid, husband, white picket fence, no drinking. Is there anything fun I didn’t give up?” 

Steve threw away the paper towels and settled back on the table and began to cut the pork on Peter’s plate into little pieces. ”Married life is fun,” he deadpanned, before tapping on the tip of Peter’s nose. The kid screwed up his nose and then took the fork out of his father’s hand, eating messily. 

”Sure it is,” Tony answered sickly sweet, before focusing on his plate again. He tried to tune his  _family_ out again, but the kid reached out and pulled on his sleeve. 

”Daddy?” He asked, nearly sounding cautiously. 

Tony cringed but then tired to put on a smile, and turned to the kid, might as well play his role before he’d be the one who had to explain everything.

”What?” 

”Will you read my nighty night story again today?”

Kids always sounded so pouty. Tony cringed once more. His mind was nothing but a blank. How the hell do you tell a kid that you would rather walk trough hell than read a nighty night story? 

Rogers seemed to get that Tony was about to freak out on the kid, so he chimed in, taking Peter’s little hands off of Tony’s arm. ”Look, Petey, you know Daddy still doesn’t feel so good?”

Peter laid his head on his hand, looking like he was thinking really hard, before shaking his head softly. ”But Daddy is never sick.”

Rogers turned his chair slightly, leaning closer to his son, searchingfor eye contact with the 4 year old. Tony felt oddly out of place, watching them interact so fluently, obviously having a routine when it came to talking about important stuff. 

”He is sick now, Pete. Remember, he was in the hospital?” Rogers was so patient while Tony was about ready to get up and wait till the kid grew up and got enough common sense to put the pieces together himself. 

Tony shook his head about himself right after this thought, he couldn’t believe he was a father of the kid as well. 

”But the hospital is s’pposed to make people feel better. Why is Daddy not feeling better?” Peter sounded upset. Apparently Tony was not the only one to realise that, because Rogers got up from his chair in an instant, kneeling in front of Peter instead, laying his hands on the child’s thighs, looking at him with big honest eyes. 

”He does feel better, he is not hurt as badly anymore,” Rogers fell silent for a bit, waiting for Peter to nod, as he caught up with what his father told him. ”But his head is still not fully recovered yet. Daddy needs many breaks and can’t take care of you as much right now, he needs silence to get better, you understand that, right?”

Peter looked from his father over to Tony, who had just discovered his finger nails as the most interesting thing in the world. He looked up in time though, to throw a raised eyebrow in the kid’s direction. 

The child had his eyebrows pulled together considerately, as if he was trying to find a flaw in the thing his father had just told him. He turned back to Rogers after a long minute of staring at Tony, making him feel uneasy. 

”And he will feel better soon?” He asked, sounding so naive that Tony felt bad for a second, wanting to chime in and hug the child, telling him that he was sorry for being an asshole, but he was confused and hurt and he didn’t know who he was. Who he was supposed to be.

There were only two things he knew for sure right now.

Firstly, his past — future self had left incredible footsteps, expectations in others, that Tony could never  _ever_  meet. No matter how hard he would try, he could never live up to it. 

Secondly, he knew that he shouldn’t be around kids. He’d fuck them up. He wasn’t good influence, he didn’t know how to be a father. He couldn’t let himself be close to this child. He didn’t know how anybody even ever decided that he’d be fitting as a father and gave him a child, be he knew they were wrong. 

So Tony just swallowed all his feelings down, ignoring the burning inside of him and closed his expression off again. 

Rogers shot him a disapproving glare again and Tony really had to say that he was getting used to get that look shot his way. 

”I don’t know if he will, Pete,” Rogers answered honestly, his sadness on his face like a forever lasting shadow. ”But for now all we can do to help is give him space, is that okay?”

Peter looked at him again, his eyes turning glassy. Tony was about to run out of the room right then. Rogers got up to his feet, picking the child up and holding him against his chest.

”I —,” the kid hiccupped, grabbing his father’s shirt hard. ”I don’t want to not see Daddy anymore!”

Rogers shushed the kid, petting over his hair. Tony still didn’t think that he should be here for that. It felt weirdly intimate, as if it was inappropriate of him to watch it. He stayed seated though, for no reason he could put into words.

”You won’t see him less, Munchkin. Not really. He will still be here, but he needs to figure his head out.”

Well, Tony woulddrink to that. He had to figure his head out indeed. 

Peter didn’t say anything for a long while, but then he just nodded softly. ”But when he feels better, he will read in the dinosaur voices again, yes?” 

Tony thought he’d break his neck by shaking his head as hard as he was. Both Rogers and the child didn’t see it though.

”He sure will, little one,” Rogers reassured, shooing a glance in Tony’s way that was no subtle hint. It was a clear warning, there was no misunderstanding the message. It had a threat to it that made Tony swallow heavily and then nodding, slowly. 

Fucking Rogers. 

The breakfast after that was so loaded with heavy silence that Tony was sure it’d suffocate him. He knew that he had kind of lost his right to actually fit into this family and frankly, yeah, he had done his best to not ever fit in again, but damn. 

He realised that they didn’t just have a routine when it came to the important stuff. They had a well played routine for everything and apparentlythere was a time when Tony had fit in there but now all he could do was enlighten fires that Rogers had to take care of later then.

Tony decided to take it as further proof that he had chosen the right approach. Be an asshole, show everybody that it wouldbe best for everyone, especially the kid, when they just accept that Tony couldn’t be that person anymore. The family father he apparently has been. 

That was probably the reason why he shot Rogers a smug grin instead of an understanding one, when he walked into Tony’s room later on.

He looked serious, not even a hint of any amusement anywhere on his face. Tony would have appreciated it, he has been having a bad day, thanks for asking. 

Steve looked questioning, asking Tony silently for permission to enter his room further. 

 _Jesus_ , who raised this guy, this was his own home. 

Tony nodded quickly, focusing back to his tablet.

Rogers stood around in the middle of the room, looking around as if he’d never seen it before in his life.

Tony was about 110% done with Rogers’s lost puppy look, so he sighed and spun around to face him. ”What?”

Rogers’s eyes snapped to him and then he held eye contact, not planning on ever breaking it. 

”I just wanted to talk,” he shrugged, leaning awkwardly against Tony’s closet with one shoulder. The movement seemed so mechanic and uncoordinated, as if Rogers had forgotten for a second what to do and how to behave with his body. As if it was suddenly too big to fit him. Tony only raised an eyebrow, prompting him to start talking. 

”It’s been 2 weeks and you still haven’t really asked me anything about our lives, or marriage, or our child. I just — I think it would help you to know things about us?”

Tony got the message that Rogers was trying to get across. Or maybe he wasn’t and he just assumed that people always had a subtext and hidden meaning to anything, because he had always had to deal with two faced people. 

Tony swallowed heavily and then went back to put his not — caring mask on. Two faced people only had a chance of hurting him, when he let them come too close. 

Rogers obviously wanted him to ask questions and get to know them, to make sure he’d finally relearn how to act around the kid. This morning hadn’t been the first time he had made him cry and he was honestly sorry about it. He got why Rogers wanted him to finally learn how to talk to a child.

Tony didn’t want to learn that, though. He still had the little hope that he’d just wake up tomorrow and be 27 again, Rogers and child not in his life. 

He ignored that this thought felt wrong. He couldn’t say how but it felt weirdly bad to think about that.

He then shook his head, that had begun to ache again. When he acted right, he could show Rogers that he didn’t trust him and also never will — again? — because anything people ever did was screw him over. There had been a total of like 2 people that hadn’t only seen him as means to an end. He’d like to keep the count like that so he won’t let Rogers come too close.  _Again._

He cursed his past self, before nodding at Rogers again, his sweetest smile on his face.

”Yeah, let’s talk about our marriage.” Rogers expression opened up excitedly, but fell again just as fast, when Tony finished his sentence. ”So, did we have like an open relationship?”

Rogers crossed his arms over his chest, Tony was the last one to complain about seeing his biceps so on display. Yeah, he could really see Rogers and him together. In maybe one one-nightstand. Maybe, possibly, an ongoing booty — call, perhaps, yes. But marriage? Yeah, still no.

”No,” Rogers answered slowly, sounding insulted by the idea. 

Tony scratched his forehead and then caressed over his goatee. ”Huh,” he said slowly and calculated. ”I really don’t see myself as the kind of guy who just stayed with one person. And you’re sure I didn’t cheat?”

Tony looked closely to see any of Roger’s reactions. He would succeed to make this man angry and he was definitely coming close to it right now. He made his hands into fists, obviously trying to seem unbothered, as if he was swallowing the words 'don’t talk about him like that'. All he did answer in the end was a bitten ”Yes” through clenched teeth. 

Tony counted it as a little victory for now. It wasn’t quite angry but not his forced calmness either. 

”Meh,” Tony answered, ready to get him to be angry. He didn’t really know why this was so important to him anymore but he felt like a prisoner in here. The walls were closing in and anywhere he tried to run were reminders that he had grown up. He was a different person now and he had to be that person again, from a second to the next. He couldn’t be. He was failing and it was about time that he wasn’t the only one who saw it. Or made it clear that they saw it. He was fucking it all up and was so sick of being the only person who’d admit it. 

”How long we’ve been a thing? 7 years you said?”

”Eight.” Rogers had gritted his teeth, Tony felt like he had won, but he didn’t feel better. It occurred to him later that the reason for that could be that he was playing a dirty game and talked as if he was winning when really he just was the only one even in on it, the only person who would even make something like this about winning. 

”8 years with one person? Jesus, you must be having mad skills in bed. Multiple orgasms and all.” Tony let his gaze wander on Rogers, crocking his head slightly. Rogers to his credit didn’t back down, he just stood as straight as always, while Tony was all but undressing him with his eyes. 

”I like to believe that those skills weren’t the ones why you stayed with me.” 

Tony clicked with his tongue and snapped his head back up to get back to the heavy eye contact they always seemed to have. ”Does this mean that you know you’re not that good in bed or —? You look just fine, give off the right energy, but who knows. What is it? Coming too early? Only one who ever finishes? Wait, are you like really small?” 

Rogers didn’t break the damn eye contact. Tony really didn’t know what to do about it. He had literally never talked to a person who he could tease as much, try to make him feel embarrassed and still get no backing down. 

Jesus.

 _”_ Tony,” Rogers said slowly, dragging his name out, as if it was way more than just two syllables. ”There is a line. You’re overstepping it.”

”Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?”

There was an obvious challenge to his words, he dared him to treat him like thisbreakable thing any further. 

Rogers didn’t take it. 

Weird, Tony had taken him as someone who was always ready to fight. 

Rogers answered with silence, he just crossed his arms more tightly about his chest and shot Tony a look that was a warning as much as dismissal in a way that was much louder than words. 

”Ay, ay, Captain.” 

Rogers huffed, it was in such an unamused way that it seemed as if it pulled every little sign of humor out of every aspect of the whole apartment. 

”You really are an asshole.” 

Tony scoffed, too, nodding in a way that might seem careless but might have been something much deeper than that.

He couldn’t help but wonder if that meant that Rogers was falling out of love with him. 

He didn’t know why he deserved to feel bad when thinking about that. He wondered if he could just ask Rogers that. 

He didn’t. He felt as if Rogers couldn’t answer this question right now anyway. 

When he looked back up to Rogers from where he had shortly broken the eye contact and stared at the hardwood floors, he could see it all. He didn’t know what he was feeling when he watched seemingly all his maybe-soon-anger drop out of Rogers, when the sadness took over his whole body again. Sadness sprinkled with resignation. But he had this faint look in his eyes, this strange determination that showed Tony that whatever he was about to say took a lot of courage. 

Tony didn’t know if he was ready to hear it, but Rogers was already putting his brave face, uncrossing his arms and rubbed through his hair, before taking a deep breath and facing Tony full on again.

"I know that you don’t care about me, okay. But you are the love of my life and I look at you and see him and then you open your mouth and — ” 

Rogers sounded hopeless as if he was already readying himself to hear some sarcastic remark from Tony and yeah, that felt shitty, for no reason whatsoever. 

Rogers didn’t even need to finish the sentence for Tony to get it. 

 _And you are being rude. Inappropriate. Unfair._ Tony knew all that but he couldn’t stop either. He didn’t know what of him would be left when he dropped his defences. He didn’t want to find out either. 

He also didn’t know why the ‘don’t care about me’ left this bitter taste in his mouth; as if those words didn’t belong there. They shouldn’t exist, not out loud and not as thought, because they weren’t true. Tony didn’t want to think about why it was like that. He didn’t care about Rogers.

He shouldn’t, anyway. 

Or maybe he should, but couldn’t?

Could but shouldn’t?

Bottom-line in any case, he couldn’t let anyone come too close to him. Any of his relationships was doomed to fail, exhibit A was this whole thing right here. 

He didn’t answer, just watched how the silence stretched through the room more and more, till Rogers’ straight posture sunk as his shoulders dropped. 

As if he had held the hope that Tony might just disagree and they’d find a solution till now. 

Then, from a second to the next, Rogers’s sad look changed to something way deeper than misery. 

He looked completely terrified, horrified to the core and Tony really didn’t know what caused that. What ever Rogers was thinking about just now must scare him deeply. 

As if he had just realised something that should have been obvious but just became clear to him and now he didn’t know how to hide the fear that it caused him to feel. 

Tony didn’t know if he should fear what Rogers will tell him now. If he should be terrified, just because the man in front of him looked haunted, as if his worst nightmare might just come real soon. 

”Tony,” his voice had a completely different tone behind it now. It sounded husky and rushed, as if Rogers tried to get as many words as he could out there, before Tony vanished or something. ”I’d sign the papers. Everything. I know you don’t trust me, but I would make it easy for you, I promise.”

Tony pulled his eyebrows together. What the fuck was this man on about? 

”What?” He asked, a bit more harsh than strictly necessary, but give him a break, he was an asshole on his good days and Rogers was really pushing him with those half — sentences without meaning. 

Rogers, though, looked like he believed they had. Like they were important and needed to be said. 

”Divorce papers,” Rogers explained and hell, he might look mostly horrified, but his eyes were swimming in so much sadness that Tony wondered how he could even contain all of it. 

He looked deadly unhappy, as if he had never ever wanted to say words less than those. 

”I would sign them all, if that is what you wanted. I won’t take a penny of your money, I know you are worried about it. But I promise, I will make it all easy for you, just —” Rogers broke at the last syllable and Tony really couldn’t say why he was so sure that there were many terrible things he had to see in his life, but this man crying would take the cake, for sure.

Tony didn’t want to think too hard about why that might be. 

”Just?” Tony prompted, sick of the silence, that was only broken by the deep, calculated breaths Rogers took to calm himself down. It gave Tony too much time to think. 

Rogers nodded and walked one step closer to Tony, till he seemed to realise what he had just done and came to a stop, still a respectful distance away. 

”Just please don’t just disappear from Peter’s life. I know you don’t owe me anything and I know that you don’t care about me,” he repeated that last part and still made Tony feel like he was gonna be sick. He didn’t know why those words make him feel like he needed to disagree. 

He could swear, though, that he was tasting a lie on the back of his tongue as he nodded.

Rogers’s lips twisted in something that could be a smile if it wasn’t filled with so much pain. So, so much that Tony swore he could feel it, too. 

”I know okay, I do,” Rogers rushed to say, as if he didn’t want to take the chance that Tony would verbally agree too. Tony wondered if that would have made Rogers cry then. Maybe. He looked about ready to.

Tony hated that for a second his brain jumped to what the final straw would be to make Rogers more miserable than he has ever been before. If it would take the  _love of his life_  to tell him he didn’t care about him, to make him break.

Tony has never been more disgusted with himself as when those thoughts had passed and all he saw was Steve’s painfully honest face.

”But you are Peter’s hero. He loves you. He’s so young, he wouldn’t get why you left,” Steve nodded a few times as if to prove his words.

Tony was so sick of being the only person who could see that he shouldn’t be around this kid.

Why did everyone think that this child needed him around, all he did was break everything he touched. 

This kid would grow up to hate Tony and have like major daddy issues and the only one who seemed to realise that right now was he himself. 

”Fathers leave,” Tony answered harshly, about finished with it all. ”No reason to be a pussy about it.” 

Steve nodded sadly and then huffed, in a downright hopeless way. ”I know you.”

Tony was about to scoff and disagree but Steve raised his hand and shook his head determined. ”Don’t. I do. I know that you have a heart even though you try really hard to not let it show. You don’t have to, I know you don’t trust me with it. But Peter has done nothing wrong. He deserves to have his hero and I know that you don’t think it’s you, but it is.”

Tony huffed and shook his head some more. This was  _bullshit._  

Steve continued, though, without letting Tony answer. ”So I can’t keep you from leaving. But please remember that this is your home. You worked hard for this. Don’t do that to Peter.”

Tony had no idea what he should say to this. It seemed like Steve really believed that he would do good with this kid. 

He didn’t know if he could find the words to explain to Steve how wrong he was, so he said nothing.

Steve turned to walk out of the door after a few seconds of silence, looking as if he had expected it. 

He looked like he had just failed a mission and now had to pick up the pieces.

But before he walked through the door, he turned back halfway, shooting Tony the most hopeless but determined look that has ever been shot his way.

”You talked a lot about how bad a father your father was. Never around, always letting you down. You never wanted to be like him. I know you still don’t want that even though you can’t remember being a father yourself. Well, this is your chance of showing that you’re better than him.”

Tony didn’t believe that he would ever find a person he had trusted enough to tell them all about his father, but apparently he had. 

”I am,” he noted that he sounded way more certain than he was. Also pissed off, keeping the mask on that he didn’t care even though he had the weird feeling that Steve wasn’t fooled by it anymore, or maybe never has been to begin with. 

”Yeah? Then prove it,” Steve’s voice had this challenge behind it, sounding fluently like this was normally how he always talked. Challenging people to a fight, because he knew he’d win.

Tony hated that it was low key working on him.

"I don’t need to prove anything to you,” he said pouty, crossing his arms over his chest. 

”Then prove it to yourself. To him. To anyone who has ever doubted you. You are a good man, Tony.”

Tony wanted to yell at Steve that he had no idea what he was, but he fell silent realizing that maybe yeah, Steve knew. He seemed to know an awful lot about him. Maybe everything.

”I hadn’t even planned on leaving,” Tony yelled out then, weirdly feeling as if he had lost the game only he had been a part of. 

Fucking Steve. 

Steve nodded, the tiniest of smiles playing around his lips. ”Good.” 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hello! I hope you liked this chapter, if so - let me know. Comments always make me really happy :-) 
> 
>  
> 
> (I am so busy rn, it's not even funny anymore -- but I have like the whole story already written (I actually wrote it literally 7 months ago fsddhfdsj hi)  
> But I still had problems with Beta - Readers. A few people agreed to read over my texts which is incredibly nice and I appreciated it and I get being busy,I literally have like - 10h of free time myself, but I didn't hear back from any of them for months so I decided to read over my stuff myself. There'll still be mistakes hshdfds sorry. I just got out of work, have to study for 3 exams and it's like - super late, but I wanted to upload this now so - I hope it's ok!!)
> 
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> \- Nick <3
> 
> (It never rains in Southern California is still a BANGER btw and is curing my depression hi hello)
> 
> Also also: my busy ass still sits down like every night after studying and work (hi hello I hate life) to write and anyhow, my angsty brain thought of these two things: "Tony can hear the true answer to any lie he's been told and is now terrified to hear Steve tell him that he loves him because he would hear that it isn't true" and also "trauma causes actual damage to ones heart - let's rewrite the story of the arc reactor" and lemme tell you. I thought it is a great thing to put these two together so :) Get ready for Angst ™ (with happy ending cause what else)  
> let me know what you think !!
> 
> <3


	4. Chapter 4

He decided to try at least. Apparently there were people who actually believed that he was a good person, who could do good. And anyway he’d be either positively surprised or prove the others wrong, so what did he have to lose, really.

That was easier thought than done, though. He had no idea how to be a father. He didn’t know what to do with the kid.

It was midnight , when he passed out in the middle of his thoughts, out of pure exhaustion. The last thing on his mind was the realization that he had stopped calling Steve  'Rogers', in his head at least, and he couldn’t even say why. It felt oddly intimate. It also felt oddly right, but he didn’t want to overthink that. 

By the morning he was certain that his new plan was a bad idea, maybe his worst idea yet, but hell, if it kept Steve off his back, then okay.

Steve sat at the kitchen counter, drawing pad in front of him. On the couch in front of the open kitchen played the kid with toy cars on the white carpet, always in his father’s range of vision, even if he didn’t seem to be paying too much attention. Just enough that if an emergency occurred, he could be there for the kid within a second.

Tony shook his head and stopped in the doorway for a second.

No. Not The Kid.

His kid.

Peter.

Carefully Tony walked closer to the couch, one step at a time, always keeping his option open - to turn around and make a run for it.

His escape plans faded into nothing, though, when Peter looked up from his cars, eyes beginning to sparkle in delight, a little excited noise escaping him.

”Daddy!” He yelled out, before getting up on his wobblylegs and began to toddle into Tony’s direction.

Tony was about to abort mission, because Jesus, seeing the kid walking up to him like that made the whole thing a lot morereal.

Then Tony looked up, locking eyes with Steve, who had looked up from his drawing pad. His eyes glowed brightly, holding an undertone of something so deeply hopeful, making Tony painfully aware how dead they had looked before. He nodded encouragingly beforegoing back to his drawing , understanding that Tony needed to do this in privacy. Or semi - privacy. Well, whatever it was, Tony appreciated it even though he was horrified.

Peter reached him, pulling on his pant leg, there was nearly no strength behind it, but Tony really thought for a second that it could throw him over. He caught himself before it could happen, though, trying to think of ways to treat a child. What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to do?

Tony settled for just leaning down a little, fighting the urge to ruffle the boy’s hair and instead just looked at him, with what he hoped would be an open expression. He had often seen Bucky wear his easy smile when talking to Peter and it always seemed to work. 

”What were you playing with, Peter?” Tony asked, his voice sounding weirdly thin and freaked out, but Peter only giggled and took Tony’s hand, dragging him over to the couch, where he pointed him to sit down, already holding a bright red car directly in front of his eyes.

”Car!” He said, rolling it over Tony’s thigh, who was still between something like pride and what might be his biggest panic attack he’s ever had. ”It’s the fastest one I have. But Papa liked the blue one better, anyways.”

”He likes it better even though it’s not the fastest?” Tony asked in faux shock, hearing Steve chuckle deeply from where he still sat in the kitchen. When Tony turned his head to look at him, Steve just continued to smile slightly at him, nodding with so much gratitude that Tony felt as if he had to tell him that he didn’t just do it for him.

He had something to prove.

And maybe, just maybe because people apparently believed in him now and he just had to see if he for once could not let everyone down.

Peter nodded seriously, picking the blue car up too, holding it next to the red one. ”Yes! He says that it’s more practi — practical.”

”I’m not surprised.” Tony took the offered blue car and took a closer look at it. It looked like a damn mini van.

”You have seen the car he drives, he doesn’t care that it’s super boring.”

Peter giggled, louder than Steve’s low protest.

”Yes!” The kid exclaimed, before pushing himself up to sit next to Tony on the couch, rolling his red car around on it, seemingly elsewhere with his head, making soft car sounds.

Tony leaned back, falling silent.

It was as if this was the first time he ever even saw the kid right.

Not the kid.

His son.

His head still won’t really grasp it, it still gave him a terrified taste in the back of his mouth, but maybe this time he could really try.

He looked at Peter a bit closely. It was so weird, because now that he actually looked, he could see his own features there, too. Peter had definitely his nose, a lot smaller and softer, but undoubtedly his.  He had light brown curls of hair on top of his head, and his shirt had a little stain of tomato sauce, on the rim and it was also a little bit on his cheek.

Peter continued making motor sounds while playing with the bright red car, that was missing a wheel.It took him a few minutes to look back at Tony, with bright eyes. “Daddy?” He asked, a grin spreading on his little face.

And that just hit Tony. It was as if he had just lived through the longest second of his life and suddenlytime caught up to him again. What was he doing?

He was not his Daddy. He had no idea how to be one.

Yeah, that was about as much as Tony could take.

 

He didn’t look back when he left the room in a hurry, not wanting to see the disappointment on the kid’s face. Seriously, how did they ever make the mistake of giving him a child, all he ever did was fuck it up. 

Tony stumbled into his room, breathing hard, trying to keep his balance. He didn’t know anything about kids. Nothing. He didn’t know how to talk with them, how to take care of them, how to play with them. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do.

Steve had looked so happy when he had finally spent time with Peter, but how couldn’t he see? How could he be so blind, that he’d be happy to see Tony talking to his son?

Their son, Tony reminded himself.

Their.

As in: Also his son.

Tony took another deep breath, steadying himself on his closet. What was he supposed to fucking do now!

He was about to book tickets planning to fly about anywhere, when he sat back against the headboard heavily.

What was he supposed to do? Ask?

Steve had told him so often that he could just ask when he had questions. Had always assured him that he was not alone, never will be again. Tony had seen it as threat when he had first heard it, because _uhm excuse him?_

Now he wasn’t so sure what it had been.

A reminder? A warning?

Tony clenched his eyes together, staring at the door as if Steve was about to walk through it and answer his question. He didn’t. Tony didn’t know if he was glad about that.

All he knew for now was that his idea that he couldjust ask Stevedisappeared out of his mind and a whole other notion got to him.

He felt like he was a prisoner here. People had expectations and there was always somebody around. The only time he really was alone, was when he was in his room.

He hadn’tleft the house even once since he had beenback from the hospital.Steve had always looked at him questionably when he had so much as even looked in the direction of the door. As if he was about to ask Tony if he needed company out there. If they wanted to go out together as family.

A family in which Tony obviously didn’t fit in anymore.

Like, look at him. His own fucking kid called him Daddy and he spent the rest of the day in his room, panicking.

His room, that he spend most of his time in, because before today, he had avoided the kid like the plague.

And maybe he never should have stopped.

In the back of his head, he knew that this was a bad idea and that it was definitely the best thing he’s done since waking up, because that kid deserved to have both his parents.

Rationally, he knew that. Theoretically too.

Practically, though, did the world look a great deal different.

Before he could spiral some more, he jumped off of his bed, grabbing his jacket and rushed to the elevator.

He needed air, the walls were so close from a second to the next, capturing him. He felt if he didn’t run now, he’d never get the chance again. 

He just needed to breathe for a second. Walk around freely for a bit, not thinking about anything, just being all by himself for just a moment.

A moment, before he might be ready to try again. Maybe take another step. Maybe finally be the man everybody expected him to be.

 

He nodded to himself, about to press the elevator button, when somebody cleared his throat behind him.

Tony startled so hard, his heart beat way too fast for the next 10 minutes.

Steve looked slightly amused by it, till the amusement  got washed away from his face so fast that Tony really had trouble telling if it had ever been there to begin with. 

Tony looked at Steve like he had been caught doing something illegal, not just trying to leave his own house.

”What?” Tony asked harshly, feeling the walls close in.

Steve looked really uncertain for a second. Like he was mentally trying to put pieces together, not liking the picture they showed. When he spoke, his voice was hesitant. ”Have you — are you planning on going out?”

Well, duh.

Tony was about finished with this whole night. Maybe even the whole week. Definitely his whole new life.

”Yeah?” Tony answered, dismissive. His voice, though, way too deliberately controlled to fool anyone with his faux calmness. He couldn’t breathe and Steve always seemed to pop up to talk with him in the worst moments. ”Maybe. I’m not a prisoner, am I?”

Steve’s mouth fell open in shock, and he took a step back, as if to prove a point to Tony. ”Of course not!”

Right after that, Steve’s expression fell. There wasn’t another word to describe it, he just downright broke. Tony didn’t think he’s ever seen so many expressions, so much hurt out in the open, not on Steve’s face at least.

”Of course you aren’t,” Steve repeated, sounding just about as broken as his face looked.

Tony was about way too tired to deal with that now . Whatever it was that made Steve even more miserable just now, he’d have to figure it alone.

Tony nodded and walked into the elevator, pushing the button to close the doors, leaving Steve to look devastated on his own.

 

He found the answer to Steve’s misery on his fifth glass of water. Because apparently his future self was clean of drinking and he didn’t know why, but it felt wrong to drink then, now.

He didn’t want to think about it too much.

Tony had spent the past 2 hours watching the lemon slice in his glass swim around, trying to find answers to what he should do.

All he found, though, was that Steve obviously thought Tony was the biggest asshole on earth, who went out to hook up with someone.

Not that Tony didn’t understand that train of thought, but Jesus.

Yeah it had been weeks since he’s been released from the hospital and all his action was limited to his own hands, but still, he hadn’t even thought about going out to get laid.

Not seriously thought about it anyways.

 

When he came home later, he was not at all surprised to see Steve sitting at the kitchen table, his head on his arms and apparently fast asleep.

Tony stayed frozen in the hallway for a second before walking over into the kitchen.

What was the protocol now? What should he do? He can’t just leave Steve sitting here, his back will kill him tomorrow and he always seemed to be carrying the damn child, too, so he might die of it.

Tony extended one hand carefully, keeping it over his shoulder, not quite knowing if he should touch Steve.

But he needed to wake him somehow.

Tony debated for a second if he should just drop a frying pan or something, but then he shook his head about himself.

What if he woke Peter? The kid needed his sleep. And frankly, Tony really didn’t want to deal with him right now. Tomorrow, yeah, maybe. But tonight he just needed Tony time.

His eyes snapped back to his hand that was still awkwardly hovering over Steve’s shoulders till Tony felt downright ridiculous. 

To hell with it. It wasn’t as if he was planning to jerk Steve off, he just wanted to wake him up.

Also he had definitely touched Steve in way more intimate places more often than his past — future self cared to count. He could touch this man’s shoulder without crossing too many boundaries.

They were married for fuck’s sake !

He dropped his hand and shook Steve softly, who just pulled his eyebrows down and murmured unhappily in his sleep.

Tony sighed and went back to shake him a bit more, just to get nearly hit in the face, when Steve all but jumped up.

His hair was messy and his eyes glassy but still on full alert.

”Peter?” Steve called out, voice husky, before he looked around the kitchen confused, till his eyes landed on Tony.

”Not Peter,” Tony answered slowly, pointing to himself in a lazy motion. ”I just wanted to wake you, this whole sleeping on the table deal didn’t look too comfortable.”

Steve still looked a bit bewildered, before he exhaled a long breath and shot Tony a grateful, tired half smile. ”Thank you, Tony.”

Tony didn’t think he’d ever get used to hear Steve say little things with so much honesty, so much meaning behind it, as if every word he said was important.

”No problem,” Tony answered, uncomfortable. He didn’t really know what he should say now, it was weird. Standing here, in the middle of the night in the dimly lit kitchen after he had all but fled out of the house. ”Thanks for waiting up, I guess?”

Steve nodded, looking him up and down. Tony wished he knew what Steve saw when looking at him.

”Thank you for —” Steve cleared his throat, clearly not knowing if he should finish his sentence. Then apparently deciding to do it, not much of a surprise to Tony. Steve always said about everything he thought. He wasn’t afraid to say the hard things. There was a bravery behind it that Tony envied, not that he’d ever admit that to anyone. ”Staying sober. It couldn’t have been easy, but I am glad that you did it.”

Tony looked down to his shoes, not knowing what to say. He hadn’t done it for Steve. Or maybe he had. He really couldn’t tell anymore.

”Yeah,” he said lamely, shooting Steve a grin that had no specific meaning behind it, but Steve nodded as if it had. ”I’ll just —,” Tony pointed with his thumb in the direction of his bedroom. ”Good night.”

Steve nodded once more, looking uncertain for a second before locking eyes with Tony once more, as if he was about to say something important, but then aborting last second. Tony wondered if that had been the first time that he had backed out of something. ”Good night, Tony.”

Weirdo.

Fucking Steve.

”Yeah,” Tony said once more and was already on the way to his room before he came to a sudden stop.

There was really only one thing that Steve could look so uncertain about right now. Looking like he didn’t want to overstep some line he had drawn for Tony. 

And maybe, yeah, it was Tony’s turn to finally be brave too. 

He turned around, looking at Steve, who had raised his eyebrows questionably.

”Earlier, you meant,” Tony started, walking back into the living room, closer to Steve. ”If I was going to go out and hook up with someone, didn’t you?”

Steve’s shoulders dropped together with his half smile in a terribly devastated way. He looked defeated and also as if he had just been caught. As if he was embarrassed of his own reactions.

”Yes,” he drew the syllable out, as if he actually wanted to keep it to himself. Tony wasn’t the least surprised that Steve didn’t just lie about it, like everyone else would have. ”But you are right, Tony. You aren’t a prisoner. And I am sorry if I ever made you feel as if you were.”

Tony shrugged it off, but Steve shook his head determined. ”You really aren’t. But —” Steve swallowed, looking at Tony like he wanted to make sure that Tony’d stay to listen to every word. ”But you’re my husband. At least for me you are. And I know right now you’d do about anything, lash out and try to hurt people, but please.”

Steve left the sentence unfinished, closing it with a little 'Please', as if it was a period. As if he didn’t need to say more, Tony would get it on his own.

He really didn’t get it, though.

He didn’t know what Steve wanted from him, but he sounded so hurt, so serious that Tony was about to agree just to make Steve stop looking as defeated as he did.

”What?” Tony asked, his voice weirdly quiet, as if his vocal cords have just agreed that this whole conversation was something so secretive that it needed to be kept quiet and close.

Steve looked down to the floor for a second, taking a deep breath, before chuckling in a downright heart breaking way. So hopeless that Tony would swear he felt it too. When Steve looked back up, though, he just looked serious and sad, as always.

”Please don’t make me see it,” he said, his voice weirdly thin, so much so that Tony doubted the words even belonged to Steve. He normally said everything so powerful, so determined that this whole sentence seemed like it hadn’t been said by him.

”What?” Tony asked again, beginning to worry. Steve looked as if he had lost something precious, something irreplaceable and Tony really couldn’t tell what he needed to do to make it all better again.

Steve took a deep breath, eyes shining blue and honest. ”Please don’t bring someone here and make me see my husband with someone else, please. Don’t make our son see it.”

Tony could swear his world stopped spinning for a second.

He’d be the first one to admit that he was an asshole. Yeah, his first step had been to be downright rude to everybody, but Jesus.

Not even he was that much of an asshole.

He couldn’t even believe that Steve would think that.

Because the sad truth was, that Steve looked like he believed it, alright.He looked devastated, as if he had no problem picturing Tony cheating on him like that.

Wait, would it even be cheating? Tony shook his head, He didn’t want to know, because he didn’t need to know. He hadn’t even been thinking about sleeping with somebody else and Steve had been here, waiting for him to come home to what? See, if he had brought someone with him, so he could send them home so Peter wouldn’t see?

Was this really what he thought of Tony?

”Not even I am that much of a dick,” Tony bit out, seeing Steve flinching around his face, as if he had actually a much poorer reaction to Tony’s answer and tried to contain it.

Steve nodded then, not looking one bit less sad. "If you go home with somebody, Tony, please be safe. You’re clean, don’t risk it.”

Tony couldn’t believe that he actually had this conversation with his husband right now. That was what you get for being brave, apparently.

”Okay,” Tony said, drawing the word out to let Steve know how much bullshit Tony called right now.

Steve didn’t seem to read it right, though, more like he was just taking it as confirmation that Tony would go home with somebody else soon.

Tony was about to just yell at him that he was mistaken if he really thought Tony would pull something like that.

Then he stopped for a second, though.

Of course it was what Steve thought. It was what everybody thought. He hadn’t gotten his Playboy title from nowhere. And yet, here he was, insulted by somebody assuming that he’d go out and have sex.

Jesus, it hasn’t even been that long since he had gotten released from the hospital, and yet he had changed already.

He didn’t want to think about why it filled him with warmth instead of dread.

He didn’t want to analyse the fact that it was totally because he had hated himself for anything he did, before. But now he had a purpose. He had plans about doing good things. And he was insulted when people thought he was the biggest asshole on earth.

Tony didn’t know if that made him like himself more, but who knew? Maybe he could get there. Someday. Right now, though, he had more important things to think about.

Things like Steve looking more sad than Tony could ever recall, seeming so small, as if his body was just way too big for him right now.

Yet, there was something like an I Dare You in his expression. As if he had nothing left to lose and no problem showing that to Tony. Showing him that he hadn’t stopped fighting even though he had lost.

There was something really sad about it, Tony realized. Something that definitely showed that Steve has had to fight beyond his own limits before. Tony’d ask about it, but Steve began to speak before he could.

”Please send me a text.”

Tony sputtered, stopped moving for a second, looking closely at Steve, trying to see if he was kidding. His expression was serious without any hint of amusement. Yeah, sounded about right.

”I should send my husband a getting laid text?” Tony asked incredulous, ignoring that he could also just tell Steve that he hadn’t planned on hooking up with anyone anyway. If Steve wanted to think of him as some kind of cheating asshole, yeah okay. People had assumed worse things about him over the years.

Tony didn’t know why it hurt so much more, though, when it was Steve thinking those things. As if he had something to prove and just couldn’t succeed.

Steve looked at him like there was nothing on earth he wanted less than getting laid texts from his husband. But at the same time as if he really did want one.

He looked conflicted to say the least.

He blinked twice before answering Tony slowly. A nervous tick if he had ever seen one. ”I just want to know that you’re okay. You might not care but I worry when you don’t come home.”

Fucking Steve. 

Saying shit that made Tony feel warm inside as if he had any right to make him feel that way.

All his head was screaming, though, that here was an actual person who cared so deeply for him that they put their own happiness after his.

Steve didn’t want to get these texts, but he was worried about Tony.

Yeah, this really shouldn’t make him feel warm, it was a dick move.

”Okay will do,” Tony answered for no other reason than that he was confused and maybe exactly as much of an asshole as Steve presumed.

Maybe just to show him.

To show this warmth that he couldn’t care less.

He looked back on his way out of the living room, taking the sight of a broken man with him.

Tony had nearly reached his door, when he heard Steve speak up again. ”Tony, just —” his voice was so quiet that Tony nearly couldn’t hear it over the low humming sound of the switched off TV and ticking of the big clock. Or he wouldn’t have been able to hear it, if the volume of Steve actually asking Tony for something hadn’t been louder than anything. ”Don’t.”

He said it as if it was an answer to anything.

He was right, though, it was a hell of a thing to say.

The word didn’t mean anything. Not alone like that. But he knew that Steve believed it did. He believed it.

Tony threw one last look over his shoulder, nodding slightly. Steve relaxed so visibly that Tony wondered how his body could have ever held all this tension in.

He fled into his room before Steve could do something stupid, though, like thanking him for not cheating or something.

He didn’t go out; he didn’t pick anybody up. He had no explanation as to why. He had a theory but he didn’t want to think about that so he went with ‘no explanation’. The warmth be damned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey !! Remember me?  
> I finally graduated and now have a lot more time to write thus here I am with a new chapter. I also finally found a Beta reader, so suggest thanks to you <3
> 
> I'll try and upload the next chapter of this asap, I have it already written and done but I am low key obsessed with this other thing (or other 48053 things I am also writing, let's be honest) and sometimes forget this story exists sjfdkdfk 
> 
> Anyhow !! I hope you'll like it; I'm looking forward to every comment <3, always making me happy 
> 
> \- Nick 
> 
> (Also also - do your self the favour and go see Rocketman. Richard Madden is in it for a hot second and it's so worth it. Guys, I mean it. The hottest fucking second. Y'all just deserve that. My best friend and I were blown away (hint hint).) (Also Taron is also totally a reason to watch it, balding or not, gotta just love him).


	5. Chapter 5

Tony had thought getting his first memory back would be something big. Marvellous. Too great to even be able to fully understand. The truth was, though, he sat at the breakfast table, watching Peter spilling the milk from cereal everywhere and then from a second to the next he saw it. A clear image right in front of him.

It was just like a flash, really. It was gone as fast as it came to him, but it was connected to so many emotions that he could barely make them all out. He was so overwhelmed that he dropped his fork, causing Steve to raise his head questionably at him.

Tony didn’t pay any attention to him, though, all he could think of was the one little image that had rushed through his thoughts. It was just so unreal.

He saw Peter, but a lot smaller than he was right now. He was wearing a little blue onesie, clenching a red blanket with spiders printed on it in his little fists, sleeping in Steve’s arms who looked down to his maybe 6 months old son like he was the axis his earth spun around.

At first Tony didn’t even know what the hell that was. What he was supposed to do with that.

When it hit him, though, he all but fell back into his chair, ripping his eyes wide open. “What the —“

Steve narrowed his eyes in Tony’s direction, daring him to finish the sentence. Tony snapped his mouth shut and just stared at Peter wide-eyed.

”Spiders,” Tony said breathless, also getting Peter’s attention, who abandoned his cereal to raise his light eyebrows at Tony.

”Daddy?” He asked, cocking his head slightly. He looked so much like Tony, it hurt him to think about it.

”Spiders,” Tony repeated, ”Your favourite animals are spiders because they were printed on your snuggles.”

Steve sat his glass of water down, staring at Tonyslightly opened mouth. Visibly connecting the dots in his head, taking Tony’s seemingly random rambling as what it was.

The first proof of hope.

Peter just looked as if Tony had lost his mind. ”Yes?”

Tony nodded a few times, not really knowing what to do now. What was protocol now? What was he supposed to do?

He felt like he should cry. He felt like he would soon anyhow because this memory was so little, but it was so precious, so important, that Tony didn’t really know how to contain all of his emotions right now.

”You remembered?” Steve said, his eyes looking a bit more glassy than they did mere seconds ago.

Tony nodded, feeling like he was in shock. ”Yes. I — yeah.”

Steve reached across the table, lying his hand on Tony’s forearm, for the first time his sad expression had a hint of relief in it. It could be happiness, but there was this knit in his eyebrows, that Tony knew to read as the devastation that it was.

He didn’t shake Steve’s hand off, it felt heavy and warm and gave Tony a thing to hold onto that he needed so much right now.

”I saw Peter.” Peter looked up at him again, in question. Tony just shook his head and shot a quick grin his son’s way. _His son_. ”He was sleeping in your arms, maybe half a year old. He was clenching a spider blanket to him.”

Steve blinked and then swallowed. He looked deeply moved, definitely more ready to cry than not. ”Yes! Yes, you bought that blanket. I hated it at first, because really? Spiders? But Peter loved it. He's still got it in his bed.”

Tony would be the last person to admit that he had to blink tears away before answering. ”I’ve never seen it here. But I remembered it.”

Steve’ face pulled into that expression that definitely meant that he was about to say something sappy, but before he could, Peter interrupted him, obviously bored.

”Papa! I want to see Lucky,” he said excitedly, pulling his father’s sleeve, who looked down at his son like it was the first time he’s seen him.

”Uncle Clint isn’t home this week, Petey,” Steveanswered slowly, sounding far away.

”But Lucky!” Peter whined, before crossing his arms over his chest, pouting half heartedly.

”How about you put on your outside clothes and your raincoat and we can go to the park and learn numbers by counting the doggies there, huh?” Steve said more soft this time, finally snapping back to the present.

Peter thought for a second before he nodded and then jumped out of his chair to run to his room.

”After the park we’ll practice reading, though!” Steve shouted after him, only getting a little grumble in response.

Tony leaned back in his chair, feeling like he now saw everything in a different light and angle than before. ”Isn’t he a bit young to be reading?”

Steve chuckled low, getting up to put their plates into the dishwasher, before closing it with a hit with his hip. ”Yeah, maybe a little bit. But he’s got your brains, Tony. He’s really smart.”

Tony put his head in his hands, looking at Steve for a second. ”Really?”

He didn’t know to feel about it, didn’t know if he was allowed to feel as proud as he did.

He had a little genius son.

Tony smiled involuntary, not knowing how to justify that and didn’t know if he needed to either.

”Yes,” Steve still had this little smile on his lips. Tony liked to watch it. ”Sometimes I swear he’s already smarter than I am.”

Tony laughed, liking how it felt to finally do that again. He didn’t remember the last time he had felt this light. Maybe it was just an adrenal high, but he was actually feeling really okay right now. As if he could beat anything that came his way, step by step.

”What did we use to do?” Tony asked after they both stood around in silence for some time, both deep in their own thoughts.

”What was that?” Steve asked, a bit startled.

”Peter and I,” Tony clarified, looking towards the way Peter had disappeared to, a few minutes ago.

When he looked back at Steve, his expression was so deeply understanding that Tony felt exposed, for some reason. It was as if Steve just looked right through him, his masks and defences; he might as well be analysing Tony’s bone structure by now. He had people undress him with their eyes with less effort.

Steve’s voice sounded oddly heavy with emotions when he answered. ”You two enjoyed to built things together. Like little robots, which I won’t even try to understand the schematics of.”

Tony couldn’t hep but laugh again a little, despite himself.He then pulled his eyebrows together, while drinking the rest of his coffee and then took his cup to the sink. ”Isn’t that like dangerous for such a little child?” He asked, looking over his shoulder at

Steve, who huffed a little laugh, as if he thought about something specific, something funny that Tony wouldn’t understand anymore.

”Yes,” he answered then finally, locking his eyes with Tony. ”We argued a long time about it. But you were right, Peter is smart and you’d rather drink boiling oil than let anything happen to Pete. You took every safety caution there was, so —”

Tony leaned against the counter next to Steve, looking at his profile. ”What was the last thing we built together?”

Steve ruffled through his hair before he turned to face Tony. ”I don’t think you two ever finished it. Peter complained about it. You tried to make a little robot spider. It should have been able to climb walls, I think, but you never even finished the whole schematics.”

Tony rubbed over his goatee but before he could answer, Peter ran back into the kitchen in a little red rain coat and blue boots. ”Papa! Hurry, we want to count the doggies!”

Steve kneeled down in front of his son, zipping his rain coat all the way up and then ruffled his hair. ”I’ll be with you in a sec, Pete. Want to wait by the door?”

Peter nodded and ran out of the room again, his boots squealing on the wooden floor.

”Do you want to join us?” Steve asked, turning his attention back to Tony, who filled himself another cup of coffee.

It sounded like it could be fun. Or maybe just a good get to know each other outing. Then again, he’d actually like to have a few hours to himself.

”Nah,” he answered, looking at Steve with what he hoped were honest and open eyes. ”I wanted to look through my files some more.”

Steve nodded understanding, before shooting him a little smile and then follow their impatient son out of the door.

Tony settled down on the couch, back against the arm rest and pulled a blanket over his legs, tablet in his arms. He actually really just wanted to look at some files, maybe find the one about the toy spider and see if Peter and he could get to work on it soon.

Building he could do. Inventing things, make machinery work, that was something he was good at.

When he simultaneously got to know Peter better, that made it great.

Before he could open any files, though, his hand hovered over the google icon. He actually was curious about his life. There must be a shit ton of articles about how he changed from a playboy to a family man. So much history in that.

He just didn’t know if he should actually use google to find the answers for that. He knew the gossip pages, knew that most of what he’d find would turn out to be inaccurate. He leaned back with a sigh, before tapping the flies icon, planning to rather ask Steve about all these things. He didn’t really know how, but Tony knew that Steve would help him without hesitation.

While he read his way into the schematics of the toy spider, though, his mind always wandered back to the one thing he knew. The one memory he had gotten back.

Tony had never held something closer to his heart than this one little strip of his memories.

He had actual hope that he could be all right again, that they could recover from this for the first time since he had woken up in the hospital.

Tony was all but napping on the couch when the door got slammed open and started him awake.

 

He grumbled and sat up to look over the back of the sofa to see what had woken him, coming face to face with a wide grinning Peter.

”Eight,” he said proudly, holding eight fingers up. Tony just blinked at him. ”Papa and I counted eight doggies!”

Tony blinked some more. Then shooting a glance at Steve who closed the door and then walked over to them. ”That is — cool?” Tony tried, not knowing exactly if it was.

”Yes!” Peter exclaimed, jumping up and down, obviously not catching up that his Daddy had no idea how that was exciting.

”Pete, how about you go to your room and search for a book to practice reading? I’ll be with you in 15 minutes, yes?”

Peter rolled his eyes before turning to his father, groaning. ”But I don’t want to read, I want to play with Daddy!”

Steve crossed his arms over his chest and pulled his eyebrows down. ”No, we’ll practice your reading before dinner, that was the deal. You can play with Daddy later.”

Peter groaned again and then walked to his room, pouting.

Tony raised an amused eyebrow and looked up at Steve, who ruffled through his hair and then sat down next to Tony, keeping a respectful distance.

Steve laid his head on the backrest and closed his eyes. Tony watched him for a bit, rolling all the questions he had around in his mouth, not really knowing what to say and how.In the end he settled for a simple. ”Steve, can we talk?” To which Steve ripped his eyes open instantly and turned to him, looking concerned.

”Of course. Is everything okay? Did something happen?”

Tony ignored the low bad feeling in the bottom of his stomach, that told him that he truly had fucked up. Steve didn't even expect him to actually just wanting to ask questions anymore, he just thought bad something had happened that forced Tony to talk to him.

Yeah, he would be the first one to admit that he had dropped the ball on this one.

”No, nothing happened,” Tony reassured and then turned to look at Steve, with what he hoped was an honest expression. ”I just wanted to finally use the rain check for asking you a few questions.”

Steve looked at him critically for a second, before his expression turned into something more excited. ”About the bees and the birds?” He answered lightly, throwing Tony completely off.

”Oh, you have humor now,” Tony deadpanned as an answer and then threw a grin his way to show him that he was kidding. He was still surprised, though.

”In my defense, I’m actually only half way kidding,” Steve said teasingly. Tony could not express how surprised he was. ”Last time you had questions, you asked me to show you my magic dick.”

Tony pulled the corners of his mouth up suddenly feeling not so playful anymore.

Did he say he had dropped the ball?

Yeah, more like he had thrown the ball.

Maybe even with so much force that he could have won a stuffed animal or two.

”Yeah, that happened,” Tony said in a voice in which other people apologized. Maybe he should, too. He had been inappropriate and he knew it. But actually saying that out loud took more than he could give right now.

In his defense, he had always been an asshole. Saying sorry had never been his strong suit, so why start now.

Steve nodded as if he understood the little sentence as what it was anyways. Tony didn’t know why it made him feel uneasy and simultaneously relaxed.

”You know what,” Tony continued, suddenly doubting that this had been a good idea. Steve obviously needed a break, he was all but raising their son alone right now. ”Maybe this was a bad idea. You can go freshen up, don’t worry about it.”

Steve pulled his eyebrows together, the sad expression more prominent than it had been mere seconds ago. Tony nodded to himself, he had fucked up yet again.

”No, no, it’s a great idea, Tony,” Steve said, eyes bright blue and shining with so much honesty that Tony felt like it’d burn him alive.

Tony settled with his side against the backrest, never stopping facing Steve. ”Okay,” he cleared his throat, ”Okay.”

Steve nodded, saying nothing, seemingly waiting for Tony to go ahead and ask what he wanted to know.

The problem with that was that Tony had no idea what he even wanted to ask. There were so many things he just couldn’t understand.

He settled for the easiest one, the most obvious thing.

”So,” he said slowly, not quite knowing if he even wanted to hear the answers anymore. ”I

proposed to you?”

Steve nodded again, smiling his weird private smile again. The little curl around his lips that looked like nothing but obviously meant everything. He looked so happy for a second that Tony was completely taken aback. Steve always looked so sad, this little happy edge around his eyes gave his face something unfamiliar, something really strange.

Also something really sad.

Nobody should look like a happy expression was out of place on their face.

Steve locked eyes with him, reading all of Tony’s questions he couldn’t say out loud as if they were written on his forehead.

”You were nervous for days around me,” Steve said, looking at his hands that were lying in his lap, private smile so heavy on his lips as if it’d never leave. ”I thought I had done something wrong. I actually brought you flowers to apologize for not having realized that I did something wrong and obviously for what I actually did.”

Steve sniffed slightly. Tony noted with shock that his bright blue eyes had tearedup a little. The tension in the room doubled without any effort.

The man in front of him had always looked incredibly sad. But seeing his eyes swim in tears, that could be happy ones if they weren’t marked with so much miserable nostalgia, it nearly was too much for Tony.

His mind was all but screaming at him to comfort Steve.

But how? Tony had no fucking clue.

He ended up laying one hand on his shoulder awkwardly.

Steve gave him a teary smile. ”Sorry,” he said, wiping over his eyes. ”I don’t mean to make this uncomfortable for you, it’s just —” He ended his sentence with an open gesture that had no meaning at all, but gave Tony the feeling as if he understood.

”It’s okay,” he said, not really knowing what to do.

Steve smiled again and then carefully laid one hand over Tony’s on his shoulder. Tony didn’t flinch back from the touch, not knowing why and not caring either.

”Where was I?” Steve asked after a long minute in which they just stared at each other. Tony wondered again what Steve saw when looking at him. His husband, probably. But also the person who really wasn’t his husband at all. ”Yeah, so I brought you flowers to make up for what I did. I came home early to give them to you, I didn’t want to sit at work wondering if you were still mad at me for a second longer.”

Steve huffed a little laugh, still sounding a bit watery.

”When I walked trough the door, you were in the kitchen in an actual apron. You looked so startled and you were asking what I was doing at home so early, sounding so spooked. I swear, for a second I wondered if you were hiding a lover somewhere because you looked so startled in the direction of the coffee table, as if you were hiding somebody underneath.”

Now it was Tony’s turn to laugh slightly, actually able to picture that. Steve grinned at him when he saw him laughing. ”You weren’t, in fact,” Steve continued, now also looking at the coffee table. ”But right there was a black velvet box, open with the gold band inside. So of course, I ran over to look at it and you were running after me, all but tackling me to the ground still in your apron, telling me that I saw nothing.”

”You ruined my surprise proposal?” Tony teased. Steve looked back up at him, the happy edge still in place, making him look younger.

Steve was unbelievably beautiful. Tony was certain that he knew that, too, but he still had the urge to tell him.

Tony shook his head at himself, pulling his eyebrows together.

What the fuck was that?

He put it on the #1 place on his 'Don’t know and don’t want to think about why' list.

”Yeah, I did. You told me you were mad about me always ruining your surprises, but your eyes were a bit too watery and happy for that to be true. When I said yes before you could even ask you were making jokes about how you’re not accepting to have cooked dinner and bought a gold ring for me to say yes without you actually asking anything, but in the next second you were smiling so brightly, I was convinced for a moment that it had the energy of the whole city behind it.”

Steve smiled wistfully, looking down at the wedding band that was still on his ring finger. Tony hadn’t even realized that he’d never taken it off but it made sense.

He guessed.

Tony felt theurge to say something comforting, something like Everything Will Be Okay, buthe felt as if Steve just needed silence, just for a minute. To let the memory wash over him.

He also had no idea what the hell was he was supposed to say to that.

Before either of them could say anything, though, Peter came running from his room, jumping on Tony’s lap.

He instinctually laid his arms around the kid, keeping him from falling right off the couch.

”Watch it!” He exclaimed, trying to stop Peter from walking around on his crotch. Tony was focused from keeping Peter from hurting him, but he swore he could hear a low chuckle from Steve’s end of the couch.

Peter giggled and sat down in his lap, landing against his chest, holding a book out for Steve.

”This one,” he said, not pouting anymore, snuggling a bit closer to Tony.

Tony just stared down at him in wonder. Staring some more. Blinking.

It was as if his brain had just decided to absolutely go offline by the sight of the kid in this arms, as if it had no idea how to act and just went AWOL.

Perfect.

So he stayed exactly where he was, tightening his arms around the kid, who cuddled back against him, while reading together with Steve.

If asked, Tony couldn’t have said what the story had been about. Nothing. He didn’t know a word of it.

But he now knew that it felt like having a tiny heater against his chest when holding the kid. Also that Peter was so light and fit so comfortably in his arms, something in him couldn’t stop screaming that he didn’t want him to grow up further. He was perfect just the way he was right now. He also knew now that Peter’s shampoo smelled like strawberries and that he had a problem in pronouncing the letter R.

Mostly, though, he was just really confused. Because he had no idea how to let go of the kid again. He was so giggly and happy and Tony just stared down to him and for the first time in his life , he got why people even had children.

It might also have been the first time in his life that he felt unconditional love for somebody.

He didn’t know how to act now that he had a glimpse at that.

How he could go further from that, because this kid in his arms, scrunching up his nose when he stumbled over a complicated word and rolling his eyes when his Papa told him to read it again and again till he didn’t have problems with it anymore, was his kid.

And he had no idea what to do with that.

But he was open to actually trying.

Maybe dropping a few more balls, too.

Definitely dropping a lot of balls.

But he was determined to try.

Steve seemed to have seen the change in Tony’s posture, because after Peter finished his reading lesson, Steve got up quietly, ruffling Peter’s hair, but didn’t say anything.

As if he knew that saying any of this out loud would spook Tony.

Thinking of it, yeah, Steve totally knew that.

 _Fucking_ Steve.

Tony hated that he thought the last one in a far more fond voice than he had any right to. Then again, he was his husband, so sue him.

”I’ll make dinner,” Steve all but whispered and walked to the open kitchen.

Peter looked after his father till he walked out of his field of vision and then settled back against Tony more comfortably, sighing happily.

If Tony’s little smile that played around his lips might be a bit watery, well, nobody had to know.

They sat like this without moving for quite some time, Tony secretly just waiting to freak out and run again.

It didn’t happen.

He hoped it didn’t surprise Steve as much as it surprised himself. He didn’t know why he still had the feeling as if he had to prove himself to Steve, even though he had just looked at Tony and Peter together as if his world had just found its balance again.

Tony took a deep breath, resting his chin on Peter’s head, before speaking up, breaking his safety blanket that the silence had built.

He was ready to try and for that he actually needed to do more than just cuddle. He guessed. He had no idea what the hell he was doing.

”So I am your . . . Dad?”

The word felt only heavy on his tongue, as if it didn’t belong there. But maybe it did. Maybe he’d have a chance to do right, just now.

He raised his head from Peter’s and looked at him instead.

”Yes.” Peter’s eyes sparkled in a bright brown with excitement. He looked so much like himand Steve, Tony didn’t know how many times he had to realize that till it stopped shocking him.

“Am I like — a good Dad?” He had to know. He might be ready to try again, or for the first time but at first he had to know that he had at least a slight chance of doing right with the kid. If Peter told him no to this question he’d leave, he was sure of it. He might be many things but he would not stand for that.

The four years old scrunched up his nose and laid one finger on his temples, as if he was thinking hard before nodding seriously. ”Yes, you were.” Tony could feel something so heavy drop from his heart that he wondered if he had ever felt more relieved about anything in his life. ”But then you went away and Papa was really sad and then you were really mean and Papa said that this is not you talking, that you don’t mean it but he looks just even more sad when he says that.”

Tony closed his eyes tightly. Hell, he was an Asshole. With a capital A. Because he hadn’t been the only one suffering from this but he sure was the only one making it harder for others because this is who he was. His best defense was to attack and he lashed out.

Yet, he didn’t expect those words to hurt quite as badly as they did.

Hell, he had known that Steve was sad all the time. He saw it every day. He saw Steve suffering, he knew all that.

Still, hearing the kid confirming that he saw it, too, broke something in Tony he couldn’t quite put into words.

”Can’t you just be my Daddy again?” Peter’s eyes were wide and innocent, looking up with so much hope that Tony suddenly understood why his future self had fallen so hard into the family life.

He wanted to never let go and promise the kid the world.

Instead he settled to not start his Trying without promises he couldn't keep.

”It’s not that easy, kid.”

”Why?” Peter cocked his head and looked from a second to the next really sad but curious.

”I don’t know. I don’t know how to be your Dad.”

It was true. He had no idea.

”I can tell you how to?”

Yeah, Tony would be the first one to deny that there had been a tear when he blinked.

 

Dinner went over in a rush, all he could think of was that, _yes._

Yes, he might not deserve this life and had cheated his way in. But man, he was ready to fight anybody who’d come and try to take it from him, now.

He had given everyone the chance to open their eyes and see that he wasn’t the best fit for this life and nobody had, so now he’d take it.

He would make this boy happy and even if it cost him everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Can you believe how fast I uploaded here again? Me neither!! But here I am anyway hi hello sdhfhd  
> As always: I am always super happy to read your comments!! They make my whole day.   
> I hope you also liked this chapter - I tried to make it less angsty but instead Dad!Tony fluff - I hope you enjoyed it  
> So I'll get back to a completely different fanfic in which I am now like 23k world deep and my dudes, just: aaaaangst. It's 90% aaaangst and I am like only half way done with it   
> (Yes, the free time after graduation really just gave me more power)   
> Also thanks to my beta!! May you survive your busy week, I nap for the both of us.   
> \- Nick ♥️


	6. Chapter 6

 

Tony caught himself being actually disappointed when Steve sentPeter to put his Pj’s on laterand he took it as the best sign there was.

He was about to go and get ready to sleep too, when Steve spoke up behind him.

”You know, it is okay to let yourself be vulnerable. You lost years of your life and the new you doesn’t quite fit in and it’s okay to be upset, Tony. It’s okay to not be fine right now. But I want you to know that I see the effort you make.”

Tony shrugged the words off as if they didn’t mean the world to him. Knowing Steve, he probably sawright through it, because he accepted it as an answer with a little smile before getting up after patting Tony on the shoulder one more time.

“It’s okay to just watch out for yourself right now. But I appreciate that you don’t and look out for little Pete, too. He had been missing his Daddy really badly.”

Tony shot a smile Steve’s way, still not knowing howto answer to all the heavy stuff that Steve said so easily.

Steve nodded, getting what he meant. Hopefully.

”Sleep well, Tony,” Steve said, before walking to his son’s room to probably tuck him in. Tony didn’t join them, but he thought that, maybe, he could be ready to actually help a bit more with Peter than just play with him.

Soon.

After he figured out how the hell to be a father.

Till then, Trying had to be enough.

When Tony settled in his bed, he did something he had ignored like the plague since he came back, nearly forgetting about it, but now it felt like it was burning his chest.

He pulled on the necklace around his neck, pulling out the dog tags and the  wedding band from underneath his shirt. 

He took the wedding band off the chain and tucked the dog tags back, not wanting to confront himself with too much at once. He’d come back to take a closer look at them, later.

The ring felt warm in his hand. Little and smooth, but when he looked closely he could see little scratches on it. He must have always been wearing it, without even so much as taking it off to work in the lab. Strange thought. Him being so gone for a person that he’d wear a reminder of that forever.

It felt strangely heavy. Not because it was definitely pure gold, but because it was more than that. It had memories attached to it, it was as if Tony could grasp them but then they went all blurry and far away again.

When he fell asleep, his dream skipped past him like he was looking through a photo album.

 

_Steve in a tux._

_He cried while smiling brightly._

_”I do.”_

 

It made him feel warm and fuzzy and home as if it was the only thing he knew for certain right now.

When he woke up, the feeling was still there, making it so real.

Tony swore he could still hear the ringing of that ‘I Do’ in his head, giving him more comfort than it had any right to.

 

”Did you wear a blue tux to our wedding?” Tony asked casually at the breakfast table, watching Steve cutting the crust off Peter’s PB&J.

Steve stopped cutting for a second, shooting him a little smile. ”Yes, I did. You said it made my eyes pop.”

Tony laughed, just a little sound. It made the whole scene seem a lot more domestic. ”I stand to my word.”

Peter giggled now too, probably just because his parents were in a good mood, joking together again.

They sat in comfortable silence for a bit longer, till Steve’s expression turned serious again. ”So, you can remember more?”

His expression flickered into something hopeful, but it was gone as fast as it had appeared. As if he was actively keeping himself from getting his hopes up, already used to being disappointed.

Tony nodded, though, seeing his expression flicker again. Tony wondered what he had to say to keep the little sense of wonder and hope on his face.

It was a good look on him.

Made him look young and playful. As if he had never experienced pain or hurt. As if he was just deeply happy.

Tony wondered if Steve used to look like that all the time. Maybe.

He might remember soon.

Tony grinned slightly, feeling hope flood through himself, too.

”Yes, just little things here and there,” Tony said, keeping his voice low, to not catch Peter’s attention too much. ”Really, nothing big yet. Just Peter as a baby in your arms and a little bit of our wedding. By the way, really? White roses?”

Steve didn’t laugh this time, he just pulled the corners of his mouth up a little, looking nostalgic. ”If I said it was your idea, would you believe me?”

Tony cocked his head and looked at Steve, who had lost his nostalgia and looked somewhat playful.

Tony liked that look on him, too.

”Not a chance, Rogers, not a chance,” he answered, biting into his own PB&J.

Steve chuckled lowly, reaching for his glass of orange juice. ”Worth a shot. So I like white roses, sue me.”

Tony was about to answer something equally sarcastic, when a shot of pain ran through his head.

He closed his eyes and pressed his palms against his temples, groaning at his aching head.

 

_Steve looked tired, wearing sweat pants and a T-shirt stained in something that looked like cake pattern._

_”Why is this stuff so exhausting,” Tony groaned from where he was lying on the other end of the couch, his feet in Steve’s lap, ”Fuck me.”_

_”Before marriage?” Steve answered fake shocked, before going back to massaging Tony’s feet with one hand while shuffling through a magazine with the other one._

_Tony sighed again, kicking Steve slightly. ”You had your dick in my ass this morning, no need to play hard to get now. Also, I already put a ring on your finger, fiancé.”_

_”Yeah, and that was what brought us into this whole disaster,” Steve groaned and threw his magazine to Tony. ”See the cake toppers? What makes the difference? Does it really have to match everything else?”_

_Steve closed his eyes and laid his head back onto the backrest. Tony open the magazine and took a look at the pictures. ”Well, maybe you should start with looking at some with two grooms instead of ones with brides. Or is there something you want to tell me?” Tony teased, closing the magazine and leaned back, closing his eyes too._

_”Yeah,” Steve deadpanned and yawned. ”I actually have a fiancée, who I actually look at cake toppers for. I was gonna leave you for her the night before the wedding.”_

_Tony nodded, tiredly, grinning slightly. ”I knew it. No way a catch like you would just marry me without causing a scandal.”_

_Steve didn’t say anything for a few seconds, causing Tony to open his eyes._

_Steve looked down at him like Tony was the axis his world revolved around._

_Tony chuckled, lying his head back down. ”You’re so not leaving me. Look at you, you sap. You look at me like I gave you the sun and moon combined.”_

_”I feel like you did.”_

_Tony huffed, opening his eyes yet again to see Steve’s expression. It was so earnest, so honest, as if he truly believed that Tony was the best thing that had ever happened to him._

_Tony didn’t have the worlds to describe the happiness that was spreading through him at the thought. ”You’re a Cheeseball.”_

_”It’s true.”_

_”You’re just trying to bribe me into getting your white roses,” Tony accused, but knew that the way he smiled up at Steve dumbly, betrayed how moved he really was._

_”Well, is it working?” Steve laughed, stroking with his hand up Tony’s leg. ”Or do you need more persuasion?”_

_Tony moved closer to his touch, but not ready to let Steve have the last word._

_”I’d have bought you every single white rose there is on this planet, if you had asked. But a few at our wedding will have to do, I guess.”_

_Steve chuckled, leaning down to kiss Tony. ”And you call me a Cheeseball?”_

 

Tony took a deep breath and looked around himself. He was lying on the couch now, his head still aching.

”I don’t know what to tell you, Buck,” he heard Steve say, sounding panicked and spooked. ”One second we were eating breakfast and the next he passed out.”

Tony sat up slowly to look at the two, without getting their attention. ”Take a deep breath, Stevie. The doctor said it’s perfectly normal when he begins to remember. When he doesn’t wake up in 30 minutes, we’ll bring him to the hospital, okay?”

Bucky laid a hand on Steve’s shoulder, who looked pained and tired. He also was incredibly pale, as if he was about to be sick. ”Yes, yes, okay,” he said, not sounding convinced.

Bucky nodded again, before taking his hand off Steve’s shoulder to pick up Peter’s little backpack from the floor. ”You keep an eye on him and I’ll take Peter, okay? Call if something changes!”

Steve looked at Bucky, who sighed and pulled Steve into a tight hug. ”Everything will be okay, Stevie, you hear me? It’s a good sign. I’ll take Petey to eat ice cream and tell him the best ways to annoy you, yes?”

Steve smiled tiredly, before nodding again. ”Thanks, Buck.”

Bucky gave him one last pat on the shoulder, ”Not for that.”

The man then turned around, walking down the hallway. ”Petey, come on, we’ll have a fun day! We can go to the animal shelter and pet the doggies.”

Tony laid back down, sighing, tuning Peter’s pouting voice out, who was obviously not excited about leaving his Daddy after he had blacked out at the breakfast table. Tony only opened his eyes again, when he heard the door shut after them. Just in time to see Steve’s alarmed expression and then watch him run to his phone.

After dialling, Tony heard Bucky’s voice chuckling on the other end.

”Buck,” Steve said seriously, ”I swear to god, if you buy Pete a dog, I’ll take you down.”

Tony only heard a murmur on the other end and another laugh, which softened Steve’s expression. ”Listen to me, jerk. I don’t care if you only have one arm — what do you - it doesn’t have to be a fair fight. You deserve to have your ass kicked when you buy my son a dog.”

Another laugh and then hushed voices on the other line, Tony sat up, hoping to hear more, but in vain.

”Buck, listen, I know that my son has big puppy eyes,” Steve said then, sounding a bit less tired than he had before. ”I know. But have you seen me buy him a dog? Exactly.”

Tony tried to get up, but his head ached so badly he groaned quietly and laid back down.

”No, you listen, no dog, Bucky! Bucky, you survived war, you won't die when Pete looks at you sad. — What yeah, I know you won’t die of this.”

Tony could hear a faint ”Well, Pete, your Papa is the bad guy. He says no to a dog,” over the phone and then Steve sigh.

”You’re an ass, Buck. Yeah sure. You too, jerk.”

Steve sighed again and ended the call walking over to the couch, obviously making the effort to be quiet to not disturb Tony. When he saw that he was awake, though, his whole expression lit up.

”Hey! How are you? You really scared us at breakfast,” Steve said, his voice quiet. He sat down next to Tony’s legs, but not touching him.

”I’m fine, I just —” Tony rubbed his head and then looked back up at Steve. ”Cheese ball.”

Steve’s whole expression shifted so fast, Tony thought he’d get whiplash. He went from looking concerned and worried, to smiling softly with the happiness back around the edges.

Tony began to like this look really much.

”Our wedding preparations!” Steve exclaimed hushed, smiling down to Tony.

Tony nodded, also shooting him an easy smile. ”Yeah.”

They sat in silence for a few seconds before Tony rubbed his head in thought. ”Steve, what was that phone call about?”

”Yeah, we might get a dog, depending on whether or not Peter sheds a few tears at the shelter,” Steve sighed resigned, looking like he was already trying different scenarios as to how to break it to Peter that they couldn’t keep a dog here in his head.

 

When Peter and his Uncle Bucky returned in the evening, they did in fact, not have a dog with them. Steve’s shoulders sagged down with so much relief, that Tony could barely keep himself from laughing.

”Not a word, jerk,” Steve hissed when Bucky was also about to laugh at it, after he had send Peter to his room, to unpack his backpack again.

Bucky raised his arm in surrender, but an easy smile stayed on his lips. ”I wasn’t about to say anything. Just wanted to keep you from thanking me for not buying a dog. It really was a close one.”

Steve nodded and then raised an eyebrow at Bucky. ”Did he cry?”

Bucky bit his lip in thought, before walking over to the kitchen to get a glass of water. ”That was a close one, too. His little bottom lip wobbled and I swear, I was about to buy every dog in the shelter.”

Steve laid his head back, following Bucky into the kitchen, Tony walking right behind him, not quite as successful from keeping himself from laughing as he had been before. ”Bucky —” Steve sighed, filling another glass with water and gave it to Tony without asking.

”I didn’t buy anything!” Bucky defended himself, an amused smile on his lips. ”I made us leave in a hurry before doing something you’d kick my ass for.”

Steve nodded in agreement. ”Better that way.”

”We both know you’d never hurt me, though,” Bucky sassed, batting his eyelashes at Steve.

Tony didn’t feel like the third wheel in the room even though he had expected he would. He rather felt really fond, as if those two bickering was something normal for him.

”Buy my son a dog and see what happens,” Steve deadpanned, leaning against the kitchen counter. He shot Tony a smile for no reason, that made Tony feel way warmer than it had any right to. 

”His lip wobbled, Steven, if I had bought a dog, it would have been justified.”

Steve only raised an eyebrow at him and then shot him a stern glare. ”One more word and that was the last you’ve seen of him.”

Bucky laid his hand over his heart in shock and gasped, fake. ”You wouldn’t dare, Rogers.”

Steve’s gaze was enough to silence his friend who grumbled and sat down next to Tony, looking at him from the side.

It was as if his amusement just fell from his face.

”How are you doing, Tones?” Tony didn’t think he’d ever hear Bucky sound so serious. He was usually always full of jokes, turning everything into something easier. Tony had silently appreciated that trait of his character for the past months.

”Yeah, I just had a memory sneak up on me and knock me out,” Tony said, placing his glass on the table.

Bucky nodded, smiling again while getting up. ”What did you remember? The dirty stuff?” He said lightly, while putting his glass into the dishwasher.

”Maybe,” Tony answered, watching how Steve blushed around the collar of his shirt and his cheekbones, while acting as if he didn’t.

”Well, before you give me any details I don’t want to know,” Bucky answered, also watching Steve’s blush amused, ”I’ll head home. Peter is pretty exhausted but he didn’t eat dinner yet. I brought little dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets for him, thatyou can heat up later.”

He looked at Steve and pointed with his thumb at the box on the counter behind him. Then he shrugged on his jacket, laying a hand on Steve’s shoulder and then came over to Tony doing the same.

”I hope you’ll feel better soon,” he said, before walking to the hallway, seemingly wanting to say goodbye to his nephew.

When Bucky left the kitchen, it was as if he had taken all the things that had blocked out the tension with him.

Steve looked concerned again, as if he didn’t really know what reaction would be justified so he just settled for looking uneasy.

”And you are sure you are better now?” Steve asked, turning to put the dinosaurs into the oven. Tony was more proud than he should have been when he looked through that immediately. Steve was just trying to keep his hands busy, he was nervous and didn’t know what else he’d do, if his hands were free.

Tony felt like he was really growing,back to be a part of this family, getting to know his husband.

”Yes,” Tony answered, not letting any of his thoughts show. Even rolling his eyes at Steve’s back for good measure. ”I told you, I’m fine. It was a good sign, honestly. I might be able to remember even more soon!”

 

He didn’t.

For the whole week that followed he had no flashbacks or memory pieces coming to his mind. It was frustrating.

He had built up the hope that he might be back to his old self soon enough, but it just didn’t seem like anything would happen anytime soon.

Tony didn’t really know how to act now. Being halfway his playboy self, but also totally not and with the few bits and pieces he had gotten back, he didn’t know anything anymore.

He didn’t know who he was.

He was so many different pieces at ones and none of them quite fit anymore.

Obviously, the playboy piece didn’t fit.

But neither did his Trying one.

Or the one he had seen in the flashback he had.

He just wasn’t the man who had laid on the couch with Steve, going over cake toppers. He wasn’t. But he didn’t know what he was either.

Tony sat down on his bed, avoiding Steve and Peter, just needing to think for a bit. A tiny bit of silence.

What if he stayed this way?

What if he never remembered more and just stayed this weird shadow of himself?

Right now, he didn’t want to be his old self, but he didn’t know how to be his new self, either. His Dad used to tell him that Stark men were made of iron, but now he felt like many different things stitched together.

Tony sighed and went to grab his tablet. For a second his hand hovered over the safari icon again, thinking about just googling himself and learn about everything he had been missing. Then he went and opened notes instead.

He might come back to the google thing but first he had to figure out, what he knew about who he was right now.

Tony screwed up his nose, not knowing where to begin. Then he closed his eyes, took a deep breath and began to type.

 

_#1 I don’t like being handled things._

_#2 My favorite color is red._

_#3 I graduated from MIT with multiple degrees when I was 21 years old._

_#4 I am a father._

_#5 When Steve looks at me in this weird way I feel a warmth that I don’t know how to place, but don’t want to ever miss again, either._

 

Tony frowned and looked at the last fact on the page he had written.

Huh.

He had just wrote down everything he knew about himself right now, just to get a better picture of it. Just to be able to take a closer look, without feeling like it was too much.

The last one, though, was different.

He didn’t know if he liked that it wasn’t a lie.

Steve made him feel weirdly good and weirdly home.

And it wasn’t that Tony didn’t want to think about what it meant, because of what he might find out.

Because he did already know what it meant. But that really wasn’t the problem either. 

The problem was that it was not a good thing.

Or maybe it was.

It probably should be.

But it felt like he was making a mistake.

Because the bigger problem was that Steve might have either already fallen out of love with Tony, — and honestly who could blame him for that — or loved him for a person he no longer knew how to be.

This was doomed to fail, because of course it was.

Set a problem in front of Tony and he’ll move the earth to find an invention to fix it. But there was no machinery that could fix that. How the hell was he supposed to find out whether or not Steve loved him for — him? Not for who he was, for who he should be by now?

Tony shook his head and stared at fact #5 as if it had personally attacked him.

And yeah, maybe it had. Because it was so painfully honest, it came from a place so deeply buried inside of him that he couldn’t believe he had actually written it.

Seeing it so exposed out in the open made him want to take it back. Take it back, burry it deep, make sure nobody could ever see it again. Would ever know it existed in the first place.

Because whether or not it was aproblem, it was certainly a mistake. A big one, too. Because no matter what, in the end Tony would be miserable.

He was really certain that Steve loved him. But not him. It was fairly obvious that Steve was a loyal and honest man, he wouldn’t leave his husband that quickly.

But that right there was the bigger problem.

Tony was not his husband anymore. He had said it himself, he wasn’t, not in any way that mattered. He was a stranger wearing his husband’s face, as if he had any right to.

Tony sighed, locked the tablet and all but threw it onto his nightstand. Well, that all hadn’t worked out.

 

Another week later, he found himself back in the exact same position, having spend the last hour just staring at his tablet like he was trying to set it spontaneously on fire. He was rubbing over the wedding ring on the chain around his neck, when a booming headache fell over him.

He groaned and grabbed his head, clenching his eyes closed.

 

_The man was wearing a blue shirt, making his eyes glow even more, making him look way younger than he was. Tony guessed he was around about 25, but in these clothes? Yeah, he could totally be 21._

_”Hello,” he said, walking up to Tony. He was working on important papers. He had to finish those before the evening or he’d have to do overtime._

_”Yeah, hey,” Tony said dismissively, only shooting the man one more glance before looking back down._

_”Your assistant send me in, Mr. Stark,” the man spoke further, not letting Tony’s rudeness discourage him. Tony liked it, it showed character. ”I’m Steven Rogers, we spoke on the phone.”_

_Tony looked back up, confused. ”Did we?”_

_Steve chuckled deeply, sounding calming. Tony shook his head, he has always had a weak spot for handsome men with gorgeous laughs._

_”Yes,” he answered lightly, not giving Tony the chance to confuse him. ”You wanted a drawn picture of the tower, drawn in some specific way. You told me to come here so you could take a look at my previous works, deciding if it’s good enough.”_

_Tony pulled his eyebrows up, spinning a bit around in his chair. ”Was I drunk when I called you?” He asked bluntly, Steve only blinked at him, still standing up straight and looking unfazed._

_”Well, I didn’t want to assume anything,” he answered easily, smiling in a light way. ”But it was 2 am and you sounded a bit —”_

_He made an opening gesture with his hands._

_Tony laughed, liking his attitude._

_”Well, then you’ve already seen the best of me,” Tony laughed, nodding at the map that Steve was carrying. ”So it’s time for you to show me the best of yours.”_

_Steve nodded politely, still smiling. While he sat down in one of the office chairs he shuffled through his folder, obviously searching for something specific. ”Oh, please Mr. Stark, you’ve accomplished remarkable things, drunk calling artists isn’t the best of them.”_

_”Buttering me up so I’ll buy your stuff?” Tony answered, watching Steve’s smile grow. His smile had something more behind it, it was beautiful in a way dangerous things were. Dangerous in what way, though, he had no idea. ”I like it, continue.”_

_Steve laughed again, honest and deep, making Tony grin involuntary._

 

Tony ripped his eyes open, staring at the wall opposite to his bed.

Finally.

Something to hold onto. 

Even though he couldn’t really place where this memory was taking him in the matter of finding himself.

He had been a grumpy drunk, just like he remembered being.

That’s also when it hit him like the biggest truck there was.

”Steve!” He exclaimed while already jumping from the bed, ignoring the dizzy feeling in his head. Making his way to the kitchen, his thoughts were spinning around, making him want to throw up.

At the kitchen table sat Peter, drawing a Connect The Dots, looking for the number 12. Behind the stove stood Steve, cooking.

He turned around looking at Tony, smiling brightly. ”Hey, you okay?” He asked, concerned. 

Tony sat down next to Peter heavily, pointing at the number and then just continued to stare at Steve like he had just teleported himself into the kitchen from another planet.

Steve seemed to get that something was up rather quickly, because he turned the stove off and walked up to the two of them. ”Tony, what’s wrong?”

Tony shook his head, still just staring at Steve. He just got ripped from his thoughts when Peter pulled on his sleeve, pointing to his picture. He was searching the 17 now. Before Tony could point it out, though, Steve ruffled Peter’s hair, ”Don’t cheat, Pete. You know what comes after 16.”

Peter grumbled and kept searching, loosing Tony’s attention.

Steve sat down next to him, laying a hand on his arm. ”Hey? Can you hear me?”

Tony shrugged and then fixed Steve with a heavy gaze.

He had a whole new sight on things now: Steve fell for him when he was still like that.

A drunk asshole.

At least a bit.

Well, he had met Tony while he was still like that and hadn’t pulled the biggest U-Turn in his life. He had stayed.

If that made things better or worse was a question beyond Tony to answer but it certainly showed that Steve was a self-destructive idiot.

Who the hell fell for — him. 

Drunken him, nonetheless.

Well, Tony could only hope that he would do it again.

”I remembered how we first met,” Tony said slowly, trying to look away from Steve but failing.

Steve’s smile just brightened, giving Tony the feeling of warmth again, that he had tried to ignore for the past few weeks.

He had no business with it.

”That’s great!” Steve exclaimed, nodding. ”It was a bit of a train-wreck of a first meeting, but I’m glad about it every day.”

Tony only nodded.

Yeah, he was glad about it.

Tony thought he might be, too. But he couldn’t say for sure

”Yeah,” Tony agreed nonetheless. He didn’t know what he was even saying yes to, but Steve looked so happy for a second that he was ready to make everything happen to keep it that way.

They sat in silence while Steve cooked, Tony helping Peter out whenever he didn’t look.

It was familiar. It felt familiarly domestic.

Tony liked it.

It seemed like this really could be a good day. He had made another step forward.

He should have known, though, that his life just wasn’t that way. His life never made steps forward without throwing him back at least twice as many steps. Or sometimes even whole decades back. 

Yet, this might be one of his worst throwbacks.

The one thing he’d forever be thinking about when asked what he’d change if he could travel time.

 

In his defense he had called it. He’d dropped the ball. It was what he had said. That he’d do it that spectacularly, though, was something he hadn’t quite foreseen. He should have, though.

Maybe that made it sadder, even. Because Tony had actually really just wanted to try. He wanted to do something good.

He hadn’t meant to fuck it all up. But of course he did. He was so good at that, it might as well be his best skill.

It had all started with him showing Peter the last dot on his drawing and then watching him being excited of the picture of a giraffe it now showed.

Peter looked at it like he had just witnessed magic.

Tony had long since given up on acting like he wasn’t completely gone for the kid so he just smiled at him proudly, ignoring the fond look with which Steve stared at him.

He didn’t know if he could stand the sheer weight of it.

But what he knew for certain, at least in retrospect, was that it was that pride that made him look at Peter and say his next words. The quiet before the storm.

”Hey, Pete,” Tony said easily, smiling at his son, who smiled right back. Tony wished he could take a picture of his little happy face right now. 

He couldn’t believe how much of a Dad he was, after only having this kid around him for a few months.

 

Sometimes, when he wasn’t panicking about this, he felt like he couldn’t thank his past self enough for the family he had gotten him.

Peter felt like the centre of his universe and he couldn’t even really remember him.

”Yeah?” Peter asked, impatiently, looking at Tony with big, curious eyes.

”How about after dinner, we go to the workshop and build the spider we made plans for?” Tony asked, looking at Steve to see if he approved.

Steve looked happier than Peter for a second.

Tony counted it as the biggest win he had ever scored.

”Yes!” Peter all but shrieked, jumping from his chair to climb onto Tony’s lap and hug him.

”Do you need me to come with you two?” Steve asked, looking at Tony understandably and grateful. He was giving Tony an easy out, offering help without making him feel like he didn’t believe that Tony could handle Peter on his own.

”I think we’ll be okay,” Tony answered, smiling at Steve. ”But if you want to join us, you can.”

Steve looked like he considered it for a second, before shaking his head. ”I think it’s important for you two to do something just the both of you. To find balance again. But I’ll be here if something happens.”

 

In hindsight, Tony should have begged Steve to come with them.

Jesus, all that Steve was doing was putting Tony’s fires out, it was always a good call to have him with him.

He had just genuinely thought that he wouldn’t set a metaphorical fire when building a child’s toy.

The irony really was that it might have been the biggest fire he’d evercaused. But that really was just what his life was. 

They ate while talking in easy chatter, Peter mostly talking about what he wanted his spider to do, even though both Tony and Steve agreed to draw a line at laser shooting eyes.

When they all finished up with their food, Peter was already bouncing up and down on his chair in excitement, eyes big and amazed.

”Daddy!” He exclaimed, pulling Tony’s sleeve. ”Come on!”

Tony looked away from Steve, raising an eyebrow at Peter. ”After doing the dishes, Pete.”

Peter frowned at that, kicking his legs impatiently under the table. ”Not fair.”

Steve ruffled his hair again before getting up. ”Peter, just put your plate in the dishwasher and you’re allowed to go. I’ll take care of the rest tonight.”

Peter looked a little less annoyed, but still placed the plate in the washer louder than strictly necessary.

He stopped it though, when Steve shot him a look that nearly made Tony jump up and clean, too.

”I’m finished!” Peter whined, pointing at the dishwasher and then ran back to Tony pulling his sleeve again. ”Come on, Daddy, hurry.”

”The spider won’t walk away from us, Pete. It literally can’t. There’s no rush.”

The kid raised his eyebrows at him, looking for a second as if Tony had lost his mind. The irony of that didn’t escape Tony. ”But my bed time is soon! We don’t have time to —” he put his little hand up to his chin, thinking for a second. ”Waste! We don’t have any time to waste, Daddy!”

Tony nodded seriously, like he was considering the kid's words and then stood up so slowly that he could swear Peter was about to burst from his impatience.

Steve laughed behind him, knowing what he did. ”Don’t be cruel, Tony,” he said amused.

Tony threw a laugh back at him, before Peter grabbed his hand and all but pulled him out of the kitchen.

”We’ll make it in cool colors!” He babbled away, while Tony tried to keep up with him. ”Red, maybe. How awesome would that be?”

”Really awesome.”

Peter nodded in agreement, excitedly.

He turned out to be right.

It was awesome. 

Not only the color, though, more like everything.

This was something he was good at. Tony knew his way around the workshop, he knew how to deal with machinery and such.

He didn’t feel so forced to just magically be good at Dad stuff, because he was good at that. And Peter looked so happy, that for a second Tony really thought he could do it.

He watched how Peter picked out a fitting screw, little knit between his eyebrows as he looked at the different ones. It was adorable.

For the first time Tony felt as if he wouldn’t just fuck this up any second now.

The irony was even bigger in that one, in hindsight.

He spun around in his chair and rolled next to Peter, who looked up with him like he had just performed a miracle.

With so much wonder and happiness.

Tony felt his own mouth pulling into a little smile, just from seeing that happy kid.

”I can’t believe I didn’t want children,” he said, deep in thought. It was true, he didn’t know how he even ever had planned on not having that.

Yet, he didn’t mean to say it out loud. Especially not to Peter’s face.

Peter, who pulled his eyebrows down and cocked his head. ”You don’t want to be my Dad?”

His voice sounded so tiny and broken that Tony was about to fight heaven and earth if it meant making all the pain go away.

Instead, though, he just stared at the kid. He saw the fire forming, one that Steve would normally already have put out by now but Tony had no idea how to.

He felt like all he could do right now was hand the fire a glass of gasoline. He had no idea how to answer the kid’s question.

The silence pulled around them like a cloak. Taking presence like a third person in the room.

Peter’s bottom lip began to wobble and his eyes began to shine glassy in the light of the workshop.

There was certainly a right thing to say right now and Tony would give another decade of his life to know what it was.

Probably in the directions of What No, Don’t Be Ridiculous. Or something more reassuring.

Anything.

But before he could say anything to redirect where this conversation was going — making it to go on the safe road and not drive full speed against a wall, maybe — Peter spoke up.

”Did you stop loving me, Daddy?” His eyes were teary and his lip wobbling. Tony didn’t know that looking at a sad child could be the most devastating image he had ever seen but here he was.

No.

He didn’t stop. Or did he?

Tony took a deep breath, shaking his head as if he could make his words go away.

Peter, though, didn’t look at him. He looked at his legs and then got up, running out of the workshop, sobbing.

Tony stood completely still for a few seconds till his brain decided to come back online.

He couldn’t believe what just happened. Couldn’t believe that his approach had been to  do nothing. 

It wasn’t true. He loved Peter. Dearly so.

He might have forgotten about it and his family all together but it was what had come back before he even got his first memory back. 

He had been confused when he had come back. Confused and mean, but loving Peter? It was easy. He was his child.

Tony blinked and then ran after him.

When he got to the living room though, he halted in the doorway, staring at the scene before him. Peter was crying in Steve’s arm, who kneeled to be on the kid’s height.

”No, no, Peter,” Steve sounded more distressed than the kid, ”He loves you, okay, Daddy loves you very much. But he can’t remember that right now.”

Tony thought he’d throw up right there.There was an arch in his chest that felt a lot like loss. He didn’t even know if this situation was unfixable because it felt like it.

He had fucked up.

Spectacularly so.And he didn’t know if any one of them could ever look past that and forget about it.

Peter didn’t answer, just grasping the shirt of his father, keeping it in his fists, crying in his shoulder.

Tony had gone through many painful things in his life. Had lived through abuse, betrayal and helplessness.

This hurt more.

He didn’t think he ever felt like his heart literally ripped in two, but looking at Peter crying like this? Yes. That’s what it felt like.

He didn’t even have an excuse. He had fucked it up and there were no words to say to make it better. 

Before Tony could think more about it, Steve looked up, catching Tony’s eyes.

It wasn’t like it was just a hint of anger. It was just anger. Pure.

There was none of the usual sadness in Steve’s eyes anymore. Tony’d be proud that he finally did it, getting the sadness away, if the new expression didn’t feel like it was slowly peeling his skin off of his bones.

Steve’s gaze was cold as ice and yet burned him alive. Tony shrunk in on himself but Steve just kept looking. He had seen the man draw many lines when Tony came here and then close both eyes when Tony overstepped them.

This wasn’t him drawing a line.

This was a warning. As clear as it ever could be.

The message was obvious. One wrong move and Steve would attack.

Maybe right now, he was just begging Tony to give him a reason to.

He had seen many expressions on this man’s face, this hadn’t been one of them. Tony swore he could feel the paint being pulled off the walls at the gaze.

Steve was not about to forgive and forget shit. Steve was in for blood. No matter where he’d have to draw it.

Tony swallowed drily, suddenly seeing exactly how this man has ever been a Captain.

Tony didn’t need to humor himself with the hope anymore that Steve would oversee this like all of Tony’s mistakes.

This had been the final straw for Steve and Tony could be sure of one thing. This won’t be easy. Maybe impossible.

He might never earn Steve’s trust back.

 

Tony was not proud to admit that he bailed the next second. He turned around without saying anything, all but running to his room.

He had no doubt that Steve would come and find him later.

If he was lucky, he might have about 15 minutes to find the words to explain what the hell had happened.

He didn’t know. He had no idea what had happened.

Tony really had wanted to try, he had even gotten his hopes up that he might actually succeed. Working in the lab had been awesome. They hada good time, really.

And then it had all went to shit and he had no explanation as to why.

He had just fucked it up and honestly, nobody should be surprised about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!!  
> It has been a while but to make up for it, this is a really long chapter and it has a lot of fluff  
> you know  
> till the angst hits 😈😋  
> I hope you enjoyed it!! I love, love, love to read your comments, they always make me smile 🥺
> 
> This has been like 90% of all I have had pre - written, I only have like half of chapter 7, so it might take another hot second till the next update comes, but stick with me, I'll finish this.  
> Also also, I have like 37k words for the Stucky fit I've been writing (and a few other thousand words for like 34 other fanfics and thousands of words of notes for 34 other stories - my dudes) 
> 
> I hope you have a great day!! (It had like 37 degrees in Germany a few days ago and I have no recovered from it, so I hope you had better summer experiences than me, dying in the sun)  
> \- Your Nick 🥰

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> I have already written 35k words for this, so the next update won't take long.  
> I hope you enjoyed it, let me know what you think of it.
> 
> Also - It would be great if one of you could beta read my writing. If you are interesting in becoming my Beta reader and also then probably my new fave person on earth - contact me: antiheld140910@icould.com  
> I'd be really grateful.  
> Anyhow, I hope you have a great day!  
> \- Nick


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